[championofnight]

Im not sure what my current bodfyfat% is, but when i flex my abs i have a distinct 4 pack. i have heard that anywhere over 15% bf you cannot see your abs, so maybe somewhere under 15%?
I have only been cutting for a month, and so far i have lost about 7lbs. Before the cut, i could not see my abs at all. But honestly my diet was insane. 5 meals of 500 calories...it would not be that hard to stick to if i didnt have to take protein powder, which, it seems, im constantely having to buy more of.
What im about to say may seem very unlike me, and very counter- viewpoint to bodybuilding. I like lifting weights, and doing extreme things, but its so meaningless. I have seen more happy people who do not have a good body at all, then people who do have one. It seems though, the need for dignity outweighs my need for comfort. This is why i choose to press on in this rigid way of life.
To be so quite honest, i need more chest muscle. My arms and legs are both looking very powerful, but my chest is somewhat lacking. I do have a good body- i have been told this, but there is so much more to life then looking good.
Im starting to think that girls do not care whether the guy looks good or not. As long as he is not a slob, then most girls might consider him. I have seen so many differnt girls with not so good-looking guys, and life moves on.
Im forgetting about bf%, im just gonna do a clean bulk, along with alot of cardio to atleast keep myself toned. I will do this for an indefinite time.
I have learned that bodybuilding is a meaningless cycle which victimizes(im not sure that is a word, but you know what i mean.) those who actually care.
Bodybuilding has been a profound distraction for me in all areas of my life. It has prevented me from acheiving what actually matters. But at the same time, i need it. I have a whole lot of energy, and this is a way that i can use the energy in a semi-positive way.
Something about my personality: I need something to obsess over. When the object of my obsessions does not give back the way i want it to, i become very frustrated, and i generally seek another thing to obsess over, or obsess even harder. I am seeking something that will give back. I am seeking meaning-Something to constrict myself around so tightly until all other things fade away and i become that which i obsessed over.
i definately still want to lift, and run, and eat. Dammit, i still want to be Spartan.
But, true to my nature, im choosing a different route.
Yes, with 1lb a week, i still might put on fat. But, in my mind, my bodyfat percentage should stay the same. Because im gaining much more muscle than fat.
At any rate, i have done this one month on, one month off crap for about a year, and i am much buffer, yet a whole lot leaner than i was when i started.
And again. I am 17. Which girl would expect the ideal Spartan warrior in a 17 year old? I still hold myself to that standard though, and im afraid i really dont have a choice in it. I have tried to have peace with the way i am, but this has failed miserably. Why relax with the way i am when better is right in front of me?
Sorry for the long post.