My guide to office employees

**l00k** · June 20th, 2005, 09:10 PM

Another thread inspired me to come up with the following list (you're more than welcome to add to this). Yes I was bored. And yes, I did have fun coming up with some of these.

No job is complete without most of the following!

Chronic Telephoner - There's always one that has to call you instead of walking MAYBE ten feet to your desk to ask you a quesiton. Instead you are forced to describe something technical over the phone, leading you down a path of future telephone conversations about the subject because it is too confusing. Furthermore, a boss or two of yours spots you talking on the phone for extended periods of time and brings it up during an annual review, stating that you waste a lot of time gabbing on the phone. Attempts to explain the situation fail miserably.
Weekend Storyteller - One shares his weekend with such passion as if you hold even a shred of interest towards hearing his tales of conquest and adventure (even though he just went to Homo Depot and back in the caravan)
MS Wordy Nimrod - This one feels the need to write flowery emails that include too many headache inducing words such as "branch out and develop inter-personal office relationships at a company function in the predetermined future." The emails usually weigh in around 5,000 words or more that require you to click Yes, I will attend and setup a meeting request appointment or you will get 15 additional emails that say you have only X hours left until the time is up to sign up!! Also, this one will know the ins and outs of EVERYTHING in the MS suite of office products. "OMG you could have done that 15 seconds quicker in Powerpoint." "Wow why did you use Excel when you could have used Flowercharts in MS Access!?!?!"
Deathbed Decaying Zombie - There's a lifer smoker that coughs next to your desk. She's 37, looking like she's going on 79. She's usually out of work about 3 to 5 days a week with some random illness. Occasionally she will go in for some testing for something very uncurable that you have been told is probably not contagious. At least she has the kindness to always shake your hand, use your phone, cough all over you, etc.
The Stork - She is better known as the LONG-long-term maternity leave co-worker. You're there 360 days a year and this one keeps plugging out babies AND gets paid for it. Why don't you work some, slacker!!!!! As soon as she comes back she gets pregnant again. This happens about 19 times over the next 3 years and everyone always gathers around for baby pictures and makes 'gee-gee goo-goo gaa-gah!' type sounds at them.
Micromanager Boss - Oh, and don't forget about overly nervous boss. "Did you finish it yet?" You JUST gave me this assignment 5 minutes ago. "Well, we expect only the best of our employees such that they can continuously reach and attain every last bit of inner energy so that long term goals and profit margins can be met with room to spare that can be used to soar high in the sky and think outside the box ...... (insert 10 minutes of nothing) So if you could go ahead and reach out to (name here) that would be best so we could be on the same page with this assignment. Mmkay?"
Office Supply Whore - But then again, those are never as bad as the office supply whore. "IS that your pen or my pen bcs I know i left one around here and i think the blue one was mine." "Have you seen my pink marker around? I thought i left it at your desk." "OMG they have new supplies in the cabnet, lets go get some" NO, let's not.
7-day Marathon Man - Ugh, these ones are the worst. No matter how hard you work, and regardless of the number of hours you put in, there's always a toolshed that thinks he can work more hours and get promoted. He makes mistakes, gabs on the phone, raids the supply cabnet, takes 3 hour lunches, spaces out in the afternoon, cruises around the internet for hours at a time, yet always comes out sparkling. GO HOME!!!!!!!!! HATE YOU
The Office Gossip Pimp - Not only will he hit on every hot woman, even one you might have your eye on, he'll spread rumors about you. Even worse is it'll probably be to the lady friend you want to bone! "Oh my god i heard a story that in college he hooked up with a chick, real woofer, but when they started grinding he shit his pants!! lolololol!!!!!" No matter how many times you explain the situation, you're screwed from that point on. The only thing saving you from knocking this clown out is a mortgage and the fear of being unemployed.
Tattlesnake - Look out for these. Watch every word you speak around them. These are the ones you have to like, send out emails with return receipts so that you have proof they read the message you sent them. They are tricky, slippery, and won't hesitate to tattle on you to someone higher up.
Company Factoid - During meetings, this idiot will bring up random facts and act proud that he was able to recite it word-for-word. Managers will eat this up and likely give out a promotion because of this little shit burgler.
Inquizzative Time Thief - Not only will this dimwit back up a 4:00 PM meeting way past the 5:00 PM whistle with a barrage of questions, but he will ask the most obvious-to-answer, unnecessary, or ridiculous questions. "Is Friday Hawaiian shirt day?" "What's the toll-free number for snow cancellations?" "Do we plan on merging our offshore resources with our branch over in Australia?"

**PythonPower** · June 21st, 2005, 12:13 AM

thats goood stufff! LOL

**Unkl** · June 21st, 2005, 12:14 AM

Thought I'd share some signs from work with you guys

Here's the sign on my office door

..... and this is the sign at our Service Department

..... these were the first and second pages of the Employee Manual

..... and a similar one from our Quality Control area

..... and when having a tough day, I'd read this

..... and when that didn't work

**PythonPower** · June 21st, 2005, 12:21 AM

Lmao!!!!!!!

**Gri3v0us** · June 21st, 2005, 12:45 AM

LOL...great read.

**Kilbug** · June 21st, 2005, 03:49 AM

Nice one.....Unkl....

**l00k** · June 21st, 2005, 06:25 AM

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

**l00k** · June 26th, 2005, 10:36 PM

Yes!!!!! Tomorrow's the last day of work for me. I work at a consulting firm and my project is done. I'm so excited I don't think I can figure out what to do with myself first.

F R E E D O M!!!!!!!!!

**Kilbug** · June 27th, 2005, 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by l00k

Yes!!!!! Tomorrow's the last day of work for me. I work at a consulting firm and my project is done. I'm so excited I don't think I can figure out what to do with myself first.

F R E E D O M!!!!!!!!!

Must be nice..
I gotta stick around & do work shit..
Ah well, the price I pay to have the Internet...
Have a good time off man..

**l00k** · June 27th, 2005, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilbug

Must be nice..
I gotta stick around & do work shit..
Ah well, the price I pay to have the Internet...
Have a good time off man..

Freaking hell, I spoke too soon. Not just yet. I think tomorrow is it. Lumberg asked me to go ahead and come in tomorrow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you do for a living, something with computers ?

**Kilbug** · June 28th, 2005, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by l00k

Freaking hell, I spoke too soon. Not just yet. I think tomorrow is it. Lumberg asked me to go ahead and come in tomorrow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you do for a living, something with computers ?

Nah, Factory work.. Slave to the Grind Shit....Nothing as novice as Computers...Would like to one day..
Gotta go back to College..
Or start going to College...