The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk

[JimmymonFreddy]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the a$$ and say!, WHO'S H0RNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!

[pokertriad]

Lmao!

[candy]

hahahaha!!! damn that was good lol might try that in the future

[mavgrad99]

I actually did that once, well, not EXACTLY that, but it went a little something like this...

Came flying down the street, hit the brakes, missed the driveway, ran over the mailbox, through the bushes, parked on the front lawn, woke up the neighbors who called the wife to tell her I was in an accident on the front lawn, I stumbled in the garage, through the kitchen, tripped on the cat, fell and cut my chin on the kitchen counter, pissed in the corner of the living room and passed out on the couch bleeding... my wife was so pissed she didnt talk to me all weekend. Everything has been fine since then though, I have learned 3 lessons.

1) got rid of the cat
2) do not drink 2 bottles of Tequila and say "oh, I only live about 5 minutes away, I can make it"
3) do this on a weekend when you know the wife is out of town and blame it on the drunk ass neighbors!!!! I still havent talked to them.

[MRM6speed]

Instead of peeing down my leg, I would have pissed in the sink. You know you've all done it.

[pokertriad]

Seriously mav? That's pretty wild.

[beukies]

I don't have that probem! I come home and say: " I am pissed do you want to F^&k?" She says: "NO!" I go to sleep. How easy is that?

[Carlos_Hathcock]

Originally Posted by MRM6speed

Instead of peeing down my leg, I would have pissed in the sink. You know you've all done it.

I so have.

[velotab]

I just remebered an email I got a while ago and I just dug it up from the archive.



> >In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped
> >and whisked off somewhere for his stag night - these usually last all
> >day... ...... and all night. Rather than the typical English stag
> >night where you all arrange it beforehand, go out get drunk and
> >hire a stripper, the Swedes do it differently. The groom has no idea
until
> >he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy, and go do
> >something fun...and then the fun starts!
> >
> >This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped
> >for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put
> >him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day -
> >much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing nasty happened to him
at
> >all.
> >In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up
for
> >the night club, they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.
> >
> >Imagine the groom's horror when he walked into the sauna where
> >his naked buddies were waiting for him to see that best mate number
> >one had no hair on his genitals. Neither did friend two, or three, or
> >four.
> >Can you guess where they got the fake beard from?
> >
> >Now check out the picture!
>

[beukies]

It is called" A BALL BEARD"!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!

[Logan9]

fookin' nuts, i tell ya!!!

[JimmymonFreddy]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes
back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he
blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[mavgrad99]

serious guys, it was awhile back, can't really remember but I haven't done it since, I live in suburbia USA, took me a week just to fix the front yard, replant the bushes and set up another mailbox... I think the wife finally got off my back when she realized I had remorse ... and "atoned" for my sins... ha ha

[griffo2]

The same two drunks on another occasion decided to walk home from the pub.
One said to the other,I know a short cut mate,follow me.
It was through the zoo.
They stopped for a squirt near the lions den.....The Lion let out a roar,one fellow got such a scare he shot through fast leaving his mate behind.After a bit he wobbled back to find his buddy still in front of the lions cage.
He said, cmon mate lets foockin get out of here......

His mate replied....Nar, I am gunna stay for the movies.
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[alland]

Ever heard of this method of transport?

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of
drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you
cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out
to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out
since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a
large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the
following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer
scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the
second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for 90% of all UDIs (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented
feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during
the trip.

The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be
lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a
night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments
In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is
not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained
over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza
crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are
designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to
wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump
into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance
System) explains the ring barked shins.
The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS
Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater which allows you to get home from
the bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a t-shirt

[JimmymonFreddy]

Below are two birds. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

[JimmymonFreddy]

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I love my job..... I love my job ..... I love my job ..... I love my job ..... I love my job ..... I love my job .....





hehehehe!!!!!