long distance relationships

saruknight · May 16th, 2005, 01:30 PM

how do you guys feel about long distance relationships; good, bad, worth it, difficult...wutever
seems really difficult to me

**Old_Fart2** · May 16th, 2005, 01:37 PM

Since I'm on my third marriage, i could either be considered an expert in the field of relationships or a total failure.

In any event, my opinion is that in order to get closer to someone and maintain that closeness, you have to be close to someone, that is, in near proximty. My wife and I love each others company; I'd rather do things with her than anyone else. You lose that in a long distance relationship.

**Manfred_Man** · May 16th, 2005, 01:42 PM

depends on the kind of relationship you're talking about...
- dating?
- courtship?
- friendship/platonic?

depends on the distance & transportation/accessibility, also...
- 1 hour commute?
- day's travel there & back?
- several days away?

depends on what you're willing to spend, really
- time
- money
- hassle/frustration

depends on trust, also
- fidelity
- opennes & honesty

my wife & i had somewhat of a long-distance relationship since it'd take me a 2 - 2 1/2-hour commute one way by bus & train to see her, and then i'd have to only stay for a few hours so i could catch the last bus... by the time i got home, it'd be really late and i'd be fried for the next day... but she saw how much i cared & loved her, so it was great for her... and for us!

again, it all depends...

**Manfred_Man** · May 16th, 2005, 01:47 PM

i definitely agree with old fart.
physical distance helps solidify a good relationship (ie. being close to each other)... opportunity to share many of life's experiences... opportunity to talk/discuss/debate/resolve...

talking over the phone is fine, but it isn't great!

what's the use for "i'll be there for you" when you're not HERE...?

my wife is my best friend, and she became my best friend really early in our relationship... it's because of the time we spent early on to communicate the place we each had in each other's life... sounds sappy, i know. but we've been together for 16 years, and she's my best pal! i think i'll give her a call at work now...

**Old_Fart2** · May 16th, 2005, 03:21 PM

Ah, man, you're going to make me cry!

**Manfred_Man** · May 16th, 2005, 03:22 PM

me, too...

BISHOP · May 16th, 2005, 08:53 PM

long distance can work if you dont mind sharing her with the guy that lives next door

**l00k** · May 17th, 2005, 12:06 AM

if you two have an understanding and realize that you're nothing more than just pen pals with benefits at best, it will work. anything else will crumble apart if the distance apart is expected to last over a period of time.

here's a formula you can go by:

distance apart (in miles) / days apart (since you last saw her in person)

if the number is greater than 1 you're screwed (she's screwing someone else). if it's less than one she's a psycho stalker that wants to use your underwear for tupperware lining. if it's zero then you obviously screwed something up and (or you) are lying. if it equals one you're ok.

that said, and on a more serious note, it can help to be with someone that really wants it to work out. if you are with a woman that is still looking to experiment and not sure what she wants, then why would she tie herself down to a guy that lives far away from her? you might be in trouble from the start if she unsure in the slightest way, is easily influenced by friends or family, or has an old boyfriend she can't get over.

my best advice is -- there are plenty of fish in the sea, so why settle on one you can only sample on vacations?

saruknight · May 17th, 2005, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by l00k

if you two have an understanding and realize that you're nothing more than just pen pals with benefits at best, it will work. anything else will crumble apart if the distance apart is expected to last over a period of time.

here's a formula you can go by:

distance apart (in miles) / days apart (since you last saw her in person)

if the number is greater than 1 you're screwed (she's screwing someone else). if it's less than one she's a psycho stalker that wants to use your underwear for tupperware lining. if it's zero then you obviously screwed something up and (or you) are lying. if it equals one you're ok.

that said, and on a more serious note, it can help to be with someone that really wants it to work out. if you are with a woman that is still looking to experiment and not sure what she wants, then why would she tie herself down to a guy that lives far away from her? you might be in trouble from the start if she unsure in the slightest way, is easily influenced by friends or family, or has an old boyfriend she can't get over.

my best advice is -- there are plenty of fish in the sea, so why settle on one you can only sample on vacations?

so its fine if the the two were working really hard to make it work????

**Old_Fart2** · May 17th, 2005, 07:49 AM

I think a long distance relationship can work in the beginning but in the long run, no. Part of being in a realtionship is just sharing life's every day occurences, whether good or bad. And you can't really do that from a distance.

**Manfred_Man** · May 17th, 2005, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Old_Fart2

I think a long distance relationship can work in the beginning but in the long run, no. Part of being in a realtionship is just sharing life's every day occurences, whether good or bad. And you can't really do that from a distance.

well said, Old_Fart!
saruknight, how serious are you about this person? and vice versa? seriously, now...

maybe the question about long-distance relationships isn't the real question. maybe the question is about commitment, trust, love, submission, etc....

i don't know, but it sounds to me like you have bigger doubts after all that's been said...

i know that some things in life are worth fighting for, and some things are worth the work that's put in... however, there are times when some things shouldn't be that hard to work at... all this demands wisdom, understanding, discernment, insight, and knowledge

i wish you well in your decision, and in the commitment you keep to that decision.

it's really only your choice and that other person's choice as to where to go from here...

**mrrockhard123** · May 17th, 2005, 02:29 PM

long distance relationships..in a word.....SUCK!

**falconfootball** · May 17th, 2005, 02:49 PM

i stay away from them. was in one in high school and it sucked!

**l00k** · May 17th, 2005, 10:17 PM

>so its fine if the the two were working really hard to make it work????

Yes, I think you can definitely make it work if you're willing to put in the effort. Who knows? Just because everyone here thinks it won't work based on personal experiences does not mean you will encounter the same experiences in your life. Maybe yours will work -- long distance relationships have worked for some people.

Personally, I would avoid it like the plague. I don't like the idea of it. I'm in a relationship for the touch and sexual aspect of it, along with the emotional support and understanding you get from being close to someone you love or care about. That's what a relationship is about. Removing the physical interaction and nonverbal communication from a relationship will put a great stress on it, no matter how much two people care about each other. If it's a long distance relationship for the time being, with plans in the immediate future of changing the living situation, then why not try it?

Good luck, and don't be afraid to give it a try and learn this lesson on your own. Who knows, maybe it will work out for you.

saruknight · May 18th, 2005, 03:09 AM

For sure the contact has to be there.kinda depends on the effort put into it huh. i'm sure you've all heard stories about things dieing down as time passes to the point where its just another memory.

**Bled_man** · May 19th, 2005, 11:24 AM

I agree with Old_Fart on this one. I went through one and it was good at first, but after a few months we grew apart and eventually broke up. I just want to be with my girlfriend, not talking to her on the phone.

**Manfred_Man** · May 19th, 2005, 03:29 PM

saruknight,
thanks for bringing up this subject!

the honest truth is that we all can say a lot about our own opinions, experiences and insights about long-distance relationships. but the decision as to whether this relationship you're currently in is worth your time, energy & expense is up to you. and, it's up to her. it's between the two of you.

it's been said that anything worthwhile is worth the work. that goes without saying. we're just a group of guys in a cyber-community giving our best possible counsel, but i trust you've asked your closest friends/confidants what you should do. maybe even your parents? (i know... some of you may be saying, "what?!? your parents?!?" that's right! as time goes by, i find myself saying that although my parents may not have understood what i was going through as far as details are concerned, they understood the ideas and they understood me because they knew me more than i gave them credit for... it's funny how much i've had to give them credit where i never really did before...)

now, what was i saying? oh, yeah... ask those closest to you. hopefully they'll give you an answer you need to hear versus an answer you want to hear...

in the end, it's up to you... and just because you decide today, doesn't mean that you can't still ask the same question a month from now... (does that makes sense?)

and now the floodgates of response/reaction open...

jdpruner · May 27th, 2005, 03:18 PM

They just aren't worth the mental and emotional drain in the long run. In the short run (i.e. if your SO or yourself is willing to relocate), they are perfectly fine.

**Manfred_Man** · May 27th, 2005, 03:35 PM

hey, jdpruner! welcome to the EF community!

thanks for your comments, too! look forward to your future comments & posts, as well!

CoastieAd · June 2nd, 2005, 06:40 AM

Wow real touchy subject here guys, especially for me. Truth is you have to ask youself how long with this long distance thing have to last? Some people grow apart over time, but some actually get closer! I left home a year ago and actually visited for the first time in 12 months last weekend and found out that I was closer to some of my friends that I had ever been in my life. Talking on the phone, writing letters, its different but that is what is so great about it. Put it this way man you'll never know until you give it a try. Aim high, maybe you'll shoot lower than you expect but its better than not shooting at all.