once bitten twice shy.

**sohail** · January 25th, 2006, 12:12 PM

what shud a guy do when his ex girlfriend (who broke his heart and left him saying that it was a mistake falling in love with him) tries to come back to him and wants to start over again the relationship. can he trust her instinct. what can he make out by this come back. whats the best thing to do. once bitten twice shy??

**irish1416** · January 25th, 2006, 12:40 PM

I would say that she realizes that she made a major mistake, and is trying to reverse it. A difficult task, considering that she pretty much burned the bridges by breaking your heart and telling you it was a mistake to fall in love with you.

In all honesty, as difficult as this, she isn't worth the time or effort. If you take her back, then she will begin to think that she has control over you, and once that happens, she is going to go off and do whatever she wants, and get mad at you for calling her on it.

And what's to say that she won't do that again? It would help to know the context of the situation, such as why she broke your heart in the first place. But assuming that it was nothing that you did wrong, then don't waste your time.

What exactly happened?

**emreka** · January 25th, 2006, 01:56 PM

Does he love her still?
If he can answer this question he can answer all.

**TXT** · January 25th, 2006, 02:31 PM

I don't think the question is does he love her. I think a more appropriate question is does she love him and is this attempt for reconciliation sincere or is she just going back to something comfortable until something better in her eyes comes along. The circumstances and feelings surrounding the first break up should be layed out on the table by both parties. If both parties are honest and real with each other, there is a chance that a second go around could work out. In addition to the love issue, there a trust issue. Without knowing all the details about the break up and why now she wants to reconcile, its rather difficult to gage the degree of trust by both parties. Obviously, if she was the one who called it off initially and now wants to come back, she will need to earn your trust back and all the words in the world won't do that. Her actions towards you will need to do the talking. Bottom line is if you feel that there is a possibility for reconciliation and wish to persue it, take it very slow. If you think that you may not get over the hurt feelings from the first break up, then perhaps moving on is a better option. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

**emreka** · January 25th, 2006, 02:37 PM

Love answers all the question. If we do the mistake of thinking conventionally then we do nothing but upset ourselves.

skulltrooper · January 25th, 2006, 02:41 PM

need more details.
what is your and her age?
how long ago did she drop the bomb?
have you seen anyone since her? has she seen anyone since you?
how is she trying to restart with you?
have you been burned/bitten before?

**biscuitman357** · January 25th, 2006, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sohail

what shud a guy do when his ex girlfriend (who broke his heart and left him saying that it was a mistake falling in love with him) tries to come back to him and wants to start over again the relationship. can he trust her instinct. what can he make out by this come back. whats the best thing to do. once bitten twice shy??

Not being in the situation, sounds like she had something on the side when she was with you, then that didn't work out and she probably doesn't want to be alone. (No one really wants to be alone, thats understandable)

I would cut bait if it was me for two reasons

1) Sounds like you still have feelings for her, so just casual sex won't work. Sleeping with her again will make you emotionally invested. Sorry, but if she tanked on you before, shes probably pretty flaky and thats just not the kind of person you want to invest in emotionally. (I.E it will crush you when she makes another rash decision.)

2) It sends the wrong message to get back with her. Meaning you'll be there for her and willing to do what she wants when its convienient for her. You will lose all leverage in the relationship, and while it may seem initially like you've got power for taking her back, she really has the green light to take you for granted.

Its a tough deal. No easy answers man. I'd suggest cutting bait.

Good luck whatever you choose.

**emreka** · January 25th, 2006, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skulltrooper

need more details.
what is your and her age?
how long ago did she drop the bomb?
have you seen anyone since her? has she seen anyone since you?
how is she trying to restart with you?
have you been burned/bitten before?

+what does she look like?
+can you post a pic?

**Doughboy** · January 25th, 2006, 04:32 PM

Skulltrooper asked some good questions.

There are 2 things you need to look at here, depending on the chick.

1
There are millions of pretty girls and thousands with great personalities that will treat you like you deserve to be treated, dont jut get back with this girl cause she asked to, there is too many fish in the sea to go back to one has has disrepected you, if she really cared for you she wouldnt have left in the first place.

2
Who knows she might have said that because she was scared of a deep relationship. I dont know, you 2 need to talk about this just between you 2. get those feelings out in the open and ask her why she felt she had to leave you, then ask why she decided to wanna get back with you now.

**sohail** · January 26th, 2006, 01:23 AM

a great response and advices worth a million for all the guys who been through this termoil.
let me first answer some questions:
as irish1416 said "It would help to know the context of the situation, such as why she broke your heart in the first place. But assuming that it was nothing that you did wrong, then don't waste your time." well she broke off saying that she cant carry on this relationship any more (since its a long distance relationship countries apart). and second reason was she said she had peer pressure to back out of this relationship. and i did nothing wrong all i wanted was to make this relationship long lasting one. this would help irish1416

emreka:"Does he love her still?" yes & no. yes coz first love cannot be forgotten and no coz am afraid it will happen again and hurt again.

TXT said: "I think a more appropriate question is does she love him and is this attempt for reconciliation sincere or is she just going back to something comfortable until something better in her eyes comes along. i agree with TXT. she says she still loves. and i suspect shes doing this until somethig better come her way.(im not a backup floppy)

skulltrooper:what is your and her age? 21 and 22
how long ago did she drop the bomb? 9 months ago
have you seen anyone since her? yes many
has she seen anyone since you? dont no.
how is she trying to restart with you? sendind emails, txt,offlines,chat( different countries)
have you been burned/bitten before? this is the first time

**irish1416** · January 26th, 2006, 01:49 AM

I see...long distance relationships can be very difficult. That's not to say they are impossible; but sometimes they just don't work.

I understand that it is impossible to forget your first love. I think about the first girl I fell in love with from time to time as well.

At the same time, though, her saying that it was due to peer pressure is an indication of her maturity (or, in this case, lack thereof). If she were truly mature about it, then she would not care what her friends thought of her personal life, and would respect her decisions. She simply isn't mature enough to hold up her end of a relationship. Let her go; drink to the good times you had if you will, drink off the burn once if you wish, but then move on.

Just don't try to get into another relationship too quickly. Give yourself some time to think about what happened with her, and see what you are really looking for in a relationship before you start again.

I'm sorry that you have been burnt in such a manner, especially given that it is your first time being hurt in such a way. It never gets any less painful, but it does become easier to deal with as time goes on.

Check out some of the other threads in this forum regarding break-up. A lot of people said a lot of great things, some of which you might find meaningful.

That said, hold on tight, because life isn't over quite yet. There are plenty of girls out there, and trust me, this isn't going be the last time you get burnt. It happens to everyone from time to time. It sucks, but look at this way: It's just another footnote in the story.

Good luck

**sohail** · January 26th, 2006, 07:25 AM

right said irish, the best possible advice any one can get. will look into the other threads and learn more.
if other members can share their breaks ups, with us, we can learn from them and help our men to be more careful in future.

The Remix · January 26th, 2006, 11:55 AM

Like Irish said- she isn't worth the effort if she is so easlily swayed by her "peers."

I'm sure there is a woman out there- that can match her qualities w/o being worried about what her pers think or that has friends that are happy for herchoices in life to accept her being with you.

I had a girlfriend who I was with for a few years- she broke up with me because her mother and Sarority friends thought she should be with a doctor- She loved me but I gues couldn't deal with the fact that she was getting out of school and I was still working a tip paid job ( def not a doctor).

We kept intouch for a couple years- she visited me one night- and basically wanted one for the road-- I told her no- that it was too late for that- and her cuts were too deep- it was all downhill from there-- haven't talked to her since- I'm not gonna be someones doormat or booty call-- especially not by someone I loved.

Things like this happen- but it doesn't usually work out trying to revisit the past- and I definately wouldn't sugget it if SHe couldn't handle the peer pressure to break up with you the first time-- do you think those same "Peers" are going to have a change of heart? For what reasons? Do you know the Peers that swayed her in the first place?
You are probably a good guy- no you are a good guy for even doubting if you should get back into this and asking us here what our input is-

Onward and upward my good man-- see ya. good luck.

**Carlos_Hathcock** · January 26th, 2006, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sohail

what shud a guy do when his ex girlfriend (who broke his heart and left him saying that it was a mistake falling in love with him) tries to come back to him and wants to start over again the relationship. can he trust her instinct. what can he make out by this come back. whats the best thing to do. once bitten twice shy??

Best example of why you should not take her back? Me...

I took her back, when she came back to me, she ended up admitting she's not over the other guy, even though he stomped her like a piece of shit.

Like Doughboy has told me before, you want the best, and you deserve nothing but the best. Don't take her back. Wait for the right person, someone who knows what and who she really wants, and doesn't have to be "pinballing" around all her life, sounds to me like you're her rebound. And I seriously hate that.

Like my training sergeant in Ranger school used to say: "it happens to the best of us, or is it the drunkest?"

**reallyibelieveu** · January 26th, 2006, 10:07 PM

sohail... tough situation my friend and only complicated by the distance factor. I think that may ultimately be the primary issue. To put a relationship back together after something like this takes a great deal of comittment, time, and communication. It is important to build a dialogue around things if it is to have any chance, problem is you cant do that if you are not together physically. Impossible to read a persons body language, impossible to really express yourself with all the visual cues that go along with an open and honest conversation.

But if we set all that aside, the question still remains is this the right person for you , are contemplating a reunion in an effort to recapture that feeling of first love you experienced. Remember that first time love is a unique experience, it cant and shouldnt be recreated. Its is special, cherish it, remember it fondly, and honor it, but dont try to recapture it. Move on to a more mature relationship building on what you have learned and felt. But take the time to recover from this relationship and let yourself heal. I hope things work out buddy...

**sohail** · January 27th, 2006, 03:47 AM

thanks a lot "reallyibelieveu" bud, i feel now more happy and more confident, all because of the good things what u guys have said and its ture... its been a tough time for me, i was in no postion to move on in life, i was depresed and was in my cave for a long time, but now i feel that i was a fool.
its tru that there are millions or girls out there who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. its really tuff to forget first love and the heart break when u've done nothing wrong from ur side. one thing im sure of now is that if at all this relationship has to be reborn its going to be on my terms layin the problems on the table and having a discusion of why it went wrong. if it looks like the reunion is worth then its going to be good orelse move on ahead in life. but im sure it will take time for me to come out of this phase.
who ever is been through this state has to take charge of their life and no more whining, be strong guys. thnks for all the help and advice. if some one can come up with any tips on how to avoid or atleast hcan handle this situation please post the tips and points. thanks for all the help guys

**Doughboy** · January 27th, 2006, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sohail

its tru that there are millions or girls out there who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. its really tuff to forget first love and the heart break when u've done nothing wrong from ur side. one thing im sure of now is that if at all this relationship has to be reborn its going to be on my terms layin the problems on the table and having a discusion of why it went wrong. if it looks like the reunion is worth then its going to be good orelse move on ahead in life. but im sure it will take time for me to come out of this phase.

Thats right plenty of fish in the sea. Dont settle for a minnow when you can get tuna or bass (you get the idea). Like I told Latino, "You are the best, so you deserve the best, nothing less" Thats all, you need. Yes it will take time, and Im glad you realized that. Any other problems don't hesistate to pm me, Ive helped out a few people by pm and in the chatroom, with their problems, like good old latinobueno here. So any other questions that you may wanna stay private or whatever pm me, I'll do my best to help you out.