Annoyances in a relationship

**Carnitas** · November 6th, 2007, 02:03 AM

So, I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now, and things are going really good so far. I really like her, and my friends and parents like her too, so I know I am a lucky guy. Of course with all relationships, you start to notice things more than when you were just friends with them. Since we have been going out, I have noticed a few things about her that she does (not necessarily on purpose, but she does them) and it annoys me. I know most of those things are petty, and so that is why I let them go, but my question is, when is it ok to mention that it bothers you to your gf?

Example: When we are together, if she gets a phone call, she will stay on the phone for a very long time till she ends her conversation, usually leaving me to just look around or twiddle my thumbs till she is finished. If I get phone calls when I am with her, I keep them brief. If it is a friend, I say I am with my gf, and they get it right away and say they will talk to me later, but not with her or her friends. She will say o I am with my boyfriend what are you doing and then thats when it all starts. So am I wrong for being bothered by that, and if I am right, how should I go about approaching that situation, or should I just let it go and if something much worse comes along, then deal with that?

Sorry for the long text.

Cliff notes: Girlfriend does a couple annoying things.
Wondering if I should talk to her about it
example, has in depth conversations when I am with her, and leaves me to twiddle my thumbs till shes finished.

Embrance · November 6th, 2007, 03:06 AM

You should talk to her about thing that annoy you.If she doesnt change,try to do the very same things she does,so she could take a taste of herself.

**Carnitas** · November 6th, 2007, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Embrance

You should talk to her about thing that annoy you.If she doesnt change,try to do the very same things she does,so she could take a taste of herself.

Even if it is something small like this? She doesn't do it all the time, but when she does it does bother me.

CUTANDPUMPED · November 6th, 2007, 06:02 AM

i would talk to her as i have had to do with my GF's in the past. i truely believe in keeping an open line of communication in realatioships, if you cant be open with her then you should not be with her. once you have told her than leave it alone and see what she does. after she knows about it, she will notice your "look" when she does it again and it will probably get her to hang up....DONT get PISSED, whatever you do.....that never works.....best wishes....

Rock36 · November 6th, 2007, 06:13 AM

If it bothers you, I think it is a good idea to bring it up. You might just find out she wasn't intentionally slighting you or showing you any kind of disrespect. It may be natural for her, and she might do it with other people who are close to her.

If she doesn't change, I wouldn't advocate doing the same back to her to let her know how it feels. She also may not be bothered by it, and then you would only be more frustrated over this.

Just bring it up, and tell her how it makes you feel. You might be surprised how she responds. Like cutandpumped said, keep your cool about it, and don't be too aggressive or get angry. Just tell her how it affects you. If you make it seem like she has a problem or is somehow wrong, that will only put her on the defensive.

**wil** · November 6th, 2007, 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carnitas

Even if it is something small like this? She doesn't do it all the time, but when she does it does bother me.

If it bothers you then it's not small to you. You probably should talk to her about it. If she doesn't know it bothers you, she'll never change and there is the chance that it could get worse over time. The key is that you don't want to put her on the defensive. You will have to be diplomatic in how you bring it up. Assure her how much you enjoy being with her, but that sometimes the long phone calls take away from that. Something like that. Your goal will be to work it so that she decides to stop taking the long calls when you're together.

Also... When you say "she doesn't do it all the time" do you mean that sometimes when she gets a call she cuts it off short?

I also like the previous suggestion by Embrace... next time you get a call, talk for a while rather than ending it fast. Then if that annoys her she will say something (and believe me... if you do anything that annoys a woman she WILL tell you about it).

The mischeivous side in me has a different strategy...

maybe just after she finishes one of those long phone conversations, you could get up and go to the bathroom. Just go sit in there for a while. Let her look around or twiddle her thumbs until you return. If that doesn't get the ball rolling then nothing will.

Good luck man.

Rock36 · November 6th, 2007, 06:39 AM

I don't know your intentions with this girl; if you are open to the possibility of this being a long term thing or not.

If you are open to the possibility of a long term relationship with her, I would caution against doing things like intentionally talk on the phone or hide out in the bathroom, because that stuff won't facilitate a healthy relationship.

Besides, those kinds of reactions can be seen as passive aggressive. Just stand up, say what is on your mind, and keep your cool.

**varbo** · November 6th, 2007, 08:58 AM

I agree that you should bring it up, especially with the example that you gave. The big thing is not to bring it up when you're pissed off about it. One day when your together, bring it up and have a talk, it will go over better. if she gets off the phone and you snap at her, its going to end up bad.

**TXT** · November 6th, 2007, 10:35 AM

Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other,making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together by the Holy Spirit and so be at peace with one another. (Ephesians 4:2-3). Now with that said, you say you've been with your girl friend for 4 months. Is that long enough to know that you love her or have strong feeling towards her? If so, my advice is not to talk to her about and let it go. It's small stuff and don't sweat over it. Continue your ways when people call you and in time she probably will do the same. I'm all for the open communication as others have stated but you need to determine which issues are important enough for discussion. There are probably things about you that annoy her as well but thats just part of the relationship process. No offense to the women here but they do like to talk and we men can be just as gabby as well. Talking on her cell phone to her other girl friends is not a big issue and I believe that as time goes on and her feeling for you deepen, you'll find her response to getting phone calls will be more in line with yours. For now give it time. Don't sweat the small stuff.

sexy69 · November 6th, 2007, 11:44 AM

You have to tell her and the reason why i say that is becasue if the situation was reversed she would have no problem talking to you about it. Although this may seem small it is the small annoying things that usually drive people so nuts they end up breaking up.

You have to let her know exactly how you feel. If you show it is important to you that she does not do that then it will be important for her not to do it.

**gunshowbabe** · November 6th, 2007, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Embrance

You should talk to her about thing that annoy you.If she doesnt change,try to do the very same things she does,so she could take a taste of herself.

I'm sorry this is the immature and worst advice... That would just be playing games with her and setting a mood for your relationship. If it annoys you talk to her about it.. Don't wait, why would you do that? I'm sure she would want to know. If she really cares about you she would try her best to stop it, and it's really not a big thing so I'm sure she wont mind. I wouldn't demand that she stops doing that, but maybe point out that you think it's a little rude or just mention to her that you have noticed that she does that and ask her why. Just be polite don't be rude about it, I'm sure she will be pen to listening. If you just start doing it back to her then that's just childish, especially if you never talk to her. You guys have to work on things together and that's really what relathionships are about anyways so let her know how you feel... if you can't talk to her about this then think about how hard it will be to bring up bigger issues. Good luck with everything I wish you the best!

**mooshue** · November 6th, 2007, 04:54 PM

im in a relationship right now, easily the best in my life due to the fact that we both do stop and talk about things that are making us unhappy every now and then. We can both tell when the other is annoyed in general or just in a bad mood. After we talk it usually stems to something that is happening at home whether directly or indirectly and its solved from that point forward.

I gotta say you should discuss it, from experience doing just that, it makes the relationship so much better and you don;t spend your time together constantly thinking about the things that annoy you and you spend it doing fun or productive things.

Yes, even over little things like the phone calls. I am annoyed by anyone taking phone calls like that when we are supposed to be doing something. Unless its my immediate family or the owner of my company, i dont answer the phone and neither does she while doing things as a couple or with our son. This includes riding in the car.

I get annoyed by her not cleaning up certain things after herself and i tell her that, like leaving clothes hangers all over the place from the morning. That one annoys me constantly and she tries for a while and then just goes back to tossing them wherever while getting dressed. The fact that she tries to pick em back up knowing ill get upset is enough to know she cares how i feel.

**sleepyles** · November 6th, 2007, 05:53 PM

Well I must say everyone hear is telling you to discuss the "issues" you have with her. I tend to agree. If you both can't sit down and discuss issues/ annoyances out then there is no point being in a relationship. You're lucky! 4 months in a relationship that is like being on a honeymoon. You will have to realize as well, once you bring this up or discuss it with her, you will or might have to take some critizism yourself, obviously in a mature way. Listen, listen, and listen. Once you are done listening and explaining, you both will come to some sort of "compromise" that you and herself will have to work on.

Wait till you start "living" together, if the relationship goes that far (don't mean to jinx). I hear snoring at night (drives me nuts!), she squezes the toothpaste from the top and not the bottom (big thumb print), etc. . .you get the drift. Main thing is to discuss, listen, and then come to a compromise/ conclusion. As you discuss things, you will find that you both will become closer and the relationship evolves on another level.

The main thing is to build that trust, and honesty in the relationship

Hope it all works out for you!

**Carnitas** · November 7th, 2007, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock36

I don't know your intentions with this girl; if you are open to the possibility of this being a long term thing or not.

If you are open to the possibility of a long term relationship with her, I would caution against doing things like intentionally talk on the phone or hide out in the bathroom, because that stuff won't facilitate a healthy relationship.

Besides, those kinds of reactions can be seen as passive aggressive. Just stand up, say what is on your mind, and keep your cool.

Yah I do plan for a long term relationship, for as long as I can. This is her longest relationship oddly enough, and so we are both looking at this for a long term relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TXT

Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other,making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together by the Holy Spirit and so be at peace with one another. (Ephesians 4:2-3). Now with that said, you say you've been with your girl friend for 4 months. Is that long enough to know that you love her or have strong feeling towards her? If so, my advice is not to talk to her about and let it go. It's small stuff and don't sweat over it. Continue your ways when people call you and in time she probably will do the same. I'm all for the open communication as others have stated but you need to determine which issues are important enough for discussion. There are probably things about you that annoy her as well but thats just part of the relationship process. No offense to the women here but they do like to talk and we men can be just as gabby as well. Talking on her cell phone to her other girl friends is not a big issue and I believe that as time goes on and her feeling for you deepen, you'll find her response to getting phone calls will be more in line with yours. For now give it time. Don't sweat the small stuff.

To me, when it comes to love, it's going to take a lot for me to love a woman. I do really care about her, but I am not at the love phase of the relationship yet. I am pretty close, because I can see my feelings are getting stronger for her each day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sleepyles

Well I must say everyone hear is telling you to discuss the "issues" you have with her. I tend to agree. If you both can't sit down and discuss issues/ annoyances out then there is no point being in a relationship. You're lucky! 4 months in a relationship that is like being on a honeymoon. You will have to realize as well, once you bring this up or discuss it with her, you will or might have to take some critizism yourself, obviously in a mature way. Listen, listen, and listen. Once you are done listening and explaining, you both will come to some sort of "compromise" that you and herself will have to work on.

Wait till you start "living" together, if the relationship goes that far (don't mean to jinx). I hear snoring at night (drives me nuts!), she squezes the toothpaste from the top and not the bottom (big thumb print), etc. . .you get the drift. Main thing is to discuss, listen, and then come to a compromise/ conclusion. As you discuss things, you will find that you both will become closer and the relationship evolves on another level.

The main thing is to build that trust, and honesty in the relationship

Hope it all works out for you!

Yah I know I do annoying things too, and sometimes she tells me but other times no. So I am open to hear what she has to say.

Thanks guys for all your help and insight. The reason I asked, is cause I have a hard time expressing my feelings, or showing emotions, and my girlfriend and my mother have told me this. I just wasn't sure if this was something worth it to mention, sort of like a pick your battles type of deal. I will bring it up to her if it happens again. I think she will respond positively to it, because on another occasion, we were driving home from Vegas, and she was changing the radio station every 5 seconds cause nothing was coming in, and when we finally found something, she would change it, so finally I just said, babe, stop messing with the radio. She looked at me, laughed a little and said, you are the first person to actually put me in my place. So hopefully this goes well too.

**falconfootball** · November 7th, 2007, 11:14 AM

He're an easy way of bringing it up:

Say you were at lunch with a coworker, friend, etc. and their phone rang. Instead of doing the polite thing and calling them back later, they just kept talking throughout the meal. This really bothered you, and you would think twice about having lunch with them again.

If she is smart enough she'll realize she does the same to you, and she now knows how you feel. You didn't step on her toes or hurt feelings, but she got the point. If she cares about you enough to change, she will.

**gunshowbabe** · November 7th, 2007, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falconfootball

He're an easy way of bringing it up:

Say you were at lunch with a coworker, friend, etc. and their phone rang. Instead of doing the polite thing and calling them back later, they just kept talking throughout the meal. This really bothered you, and you would think twice about having lunch with them again.

If she is smart enough she'll realize she does the same to you, and she now knows how you feel. You didn't step on her toes or hurt feelings, but she got the point. If she cares about you enough to change, she will.

That's one way to approach the issue, but if you are wanting that long-term relationship you have to be able to let her know she is the one doing it instead of making up stories. If she keeps doing the same thing and one day you explode and let her know what really went down, she'll feel embarrased and even hurt you weren't honest with her... just letting you know how some women think... Another thing is that you may have given her a huge hint but what if she fails to catch on, you have to tell her straight up what it is that bothers you.. Just talk to her, communication is one of the most vital things in a relationship.

Rock36 · November 7th, 2007, 12:09 PM

I completely agree with gunshowbabe.

You really have to be direct. Direct doesn't mean rude, it just means honest.

I think too many people go through all these indirect ways of communicating things that are really important to them, yet tend to get upset when the person doesn't get it.

I only say this, because I have been guilty of this in the past too. You can remain respectful and civilized while being 100% honest with what you are concerned about.

**wildstang** · November 7th, 2007, 12:33 PM

no better thing to be then honest with her. little hints here and there generally dont work, we as the opposite sex of females tend to see things differently then they do and vice versa. ive been through the hints in the past and it dosent work, usually.
just be honest and open with her about everything, and that will help in building a solid foundation in the long run.

**User Name** · November 7th, 2007, 01:13 PM

It's better to deal with it early rather than let it fester into a deep resentment which ultimately ends the relationship.

I'm sure you've heard the joke about the Five Stages of Sex, with one being "Hallway Sex" . . .

Quote:

The Five Stages of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

**Carnitas** · November 8th, 2007, 03:26 AM

Yah I know, I tell her to be completely honest with me, so I am sure she would expect the same from me, I just wasn't sure about how I should approach it. I think I will just wait till it happens again and just say, you know babe, I don't mind you talking on the phone when I am around you, but if you could limit how long you talk or say you are gonna call them back when we are in the car or something, I would really appreciate that. Something along those lines.