The right way to feel about this

[Inadequate]

EDIT: I changed my mind about writing personal things on the internet!

[theatrain]

I don't know if I'm in the right position to give you advice because I am much younger than you "I'm 19", but I can tell you it does sound like you're blowing it out of proportion. Heck, you even made your username for the forums "Inadequate". First of all you said you had a six pack and workout 5x a week . If this is true than theres a lot of stuff you can contribute to this forum and there is also stuff you can take from this forum. Your sole reason to be here doesn't just need to be for a small bump in your relationship.

Theres a lot of women on here who could use your advice and inspiration for exercise, but thats another story. Right now you're concentrating on this problem.

I think what hes doing is normal. This is the first time its come up in your relationship though so it scares you that he is looking at other women in a sexual way, is that right? You want him only to view you like that. Well hes been very very good to you so far as you make it clear. So if he hasn't given you a reason to believe hes gonna act on these urges with another woman, then I think its harmless.

Don't make it out like hes some sex crazed psycho lol. Hes a guy and we do those things. You said you guys talked about watching them together or something, right? So even you yourself were slightly interested it seems.

[ItalianStallion]

hey welcome to the boards..sumtiems its easier to talk online rather than in real life or in person..u say he comes on Ef..so he might read this? umm lets see where do i start...sum people r addicted to porn...as they watch it a lot or when they want to n its an addiction, others watch because they like to...now havin a gf/wife makes me think that why would u need to watchin porn, if u want to be sexual, do it with ur wife/gf...no need to be alone? have u guys not been sexual? if yes maybe he is missin it n resorts to doin it himself, maybe the times he wants it ur not in mood? than why not let him just be alone...i dont feel like porn is a bad thing, unless it consumes ur life...but in this case i dont think its bad..ur obviously not against porn just him watchin it alone witout u...i understand where ur comin from but maybe he just likes it...no need to say wat u look like...its not ok to cheat on ur gf if shes ugly or beautiful..cheatin is cheatin, in this case hes not cheatin, u say u feel insecure? its not like hes unhappy wit u, its just that porn gives u sumtin maybe everyday life wouldnt... not every gurl in porn r the gurls down the street n all that such, same wit guys..its basically a fantasy world that people watch...dont let it go to ur head, if ur relationship is good no need to worry...that might be a hobby of his, let it b some of us go to the gym..or build cars, or even read..this is wat he does, hes not hurtng ne1, hes not breakin ne laws/rules of a gf and bf...only thing is ur feelin hurt n if he knos than he should stop or break up...if he knos this upsets u n still does it, thats not right...u should talk about it n make a solution...hope sumtin of this nature helps..gl wit everything...

[PythonPower]

you are over reacting. as long as he is not fucking another person...it shouldn bother you that much

[Insex]

Welcome to EF, Inadequate. By all means, you certainly don't seem like you're an inadequate person. I agree with ItalianStallion, I would have chosen a better name and not degraded myself by identifying myself as "inadequate." After reading what you wrote so far, you certainly don't seem like you're an inadequate human being. By the way, my name is short for insects, but that's another story for another time.

First of all, if it is true that your fiance frequents this forum, then perhaps this isn't the best place to expose this issue. Because if he discovers this thread, he'll assume that you started it, then he's going to assume that you're seeking help behind his back. You have already expressed your concern about his habits to him, and that's a good start. A successful relationship involves both partners feeling free to speak up if something bothers them, and no keeping secrets from each other.

If I were you, I would try to find a professional councilor in your area and set up an appointment right away. Perhaps a marriage councilor? Marriage councilors devote much of their time to studying and resolving issues like these, so they are better able to offer the best advice for you and your partner.

If you are still open to advice on this forum, then here are my two-cents:

I am 25 years young and have never been married, so I am not one to talk. But my personal belief is that if you want to have a serious relationship with someone, to the point of marriage, then you should accept them completely for who they are. If he claims that he's been doing this all this time, even before he met you, then you should assume that he's normal and accept him for who he is. I've witnessed so many of my friends go through horrible breakups because one or both partners didn't accept each other completely for who they were. Too many times, people get caught up in relationships which were never meant to be, and one person tries to change the other by molding them into the person they want them to be. This doesn't work out so well in the end, because that person will never change from who they really are. Like a Jewish wife asking her Christian husband to become a Jew. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it will never happen.

I can understand that the thought of your husband getting off to other women can be very disturbing for you. But the truth is, all guys need an avenue of escape or a way to release ourselves. That's the way our bodies are built, we're sex machines. Your fiance is no different than all the other men on this planet, he needs a way to release his tensions too. This is why sex is healthy for intimate relationships. However, the fact that he's masturbating privately, behind your back and trying to hide it from you, suggests that something is wrong in your relationship. Perhaps, he feels that the fire just isn't there anymore, that sex with you isn't that satisfying to him anymore, and he needs to release himself in another way.

This is why talking to a marriage councilor would be helpful. The fact that he's masturbating while you're away, and trying to hide it from you, means that he probably isn't getting what he needs from you. I don't believe he was "researching," because if he was, he either would have been open with you about it from the very start and he wouldn't have been actually in the act of getting off to it. Although masturbation may not be such a big deal in the big picture of things, this issue can escalate if something is not done about it right now, because it suggests that something is wrong during the intimate moments between the two of you. Most of all, trust is an issue in this situation, because he feels he has to hide this from you. That's not good, each of you should be open to each other in a serious relationship. It's possible that after a few years, even masturbating alone to females on the internet might get old to him, then he might look into other avenues of porn, or even attempt to cheat on you with another woman.

Accept him for who he is, because he's no different than 99% of the other men in this world. However, the fact that he's doing this behind your back and trying to hide it from you suggests that something is wrong in the relationship and that he may not be getting what he needs from you. So find a marriage councilor and schedule an appointment right away.

[Rock36]

First thing I would like to say: you feel how you feel, and you can't simply change that. I could point out that there are people starving in Darfur who would love to be in your position, but that would be insensitive and simply wouldn't help you deal with your problem. If you are hurt, you have to address it.

Feeling inadequate is also a very sticky situation, and often times those feelings aren't based on reason but just insecurity. Plenty of talented people with a lot to offer have feelings of inadequacy. In fact, this is anecdotal, but I think sometimes the people who are the most talented and have the most to offer are prone to low self-esteem. It doesn't make sense from an objective standpoint, but that is the way it sometimes is. That said, I could see how this situation could be a significant blow to your self-esteem and make you feel insecure.

I think the issue here is also the feeling of betrayal, because he lied. Plenty of people will tell you porno for men is just a fact of life, and there is some truth to that. It certainly isn't uncommon for men to look at porn, but I would argue some of these behaviors aren't the normal "I like to look at porn" behaviors. He seems to be choising porn over you, and that is a problem. I have a girlfriend now, and I might look at a Playboy magazine for instance; however, given the choice between my girlfriend or the magazine, I will always pick my girlfriend. If I didn't or couldn't, I would question why she was my girlfriend in the first place.

Further compounding the problem is that he is lying and being secretive about it; however, to me the biggest issue would be the lie, like I mentioned before. The fact that he lied about porn would be salt in the wound so to speak. Also for me, the lying is more of an issue, because it brings into question everything else he tells you; whether it is related to porn or otherwise.

If you wish to work through this then you have a few options, like the others mentioned. Maybe counseling will help, or just a heart to heart talk with your fiance. Either way you need to be completely honest with him and yourself. If he won't validate your concerns, or if you find that you can't put up with this situation, then you need to especially honest with yourself. Subverting your own feelings in an attempt to "get over it" to follow someone else's point of view will only make it worse for you.

[gunshowbabe]

... Here goes what I have to say.

First of all, you know he lies to you and you know what he is doing... Why do you keep questioning him about it??? He is going to be stupid enough to say "I didn't do it"… even when you caught him with his pants down (literally)…. Especially since he can easily clear the history on the computer... Guys think they are a lot smarter than they are when it comes to lying to us sometimes. However, the naive little creatures we are (women) when we think we are “in love”, we believe anything even if it's blatantly clear….

Come on now, you know why you cry and why your feelings are hurt and why you don't trust him. To be honest with you, I believe every man will look at other girls... but a man can sure damn try not to! Then they wonder why we question them… Maybe because I know you lied! You have to talk to him about it; then you just have to trust him and hope he doesn’t... until he does.

Here is where you went wrong... Getting mad at him and then sitting down and watching the very same thing that made you mad and upset isn't going to solve the problem, if not make it “okay”. I imagine he is probably just confused as why you did that. Now, it's totally messed up that he avoids being with you to be with himself, that would totally hurt my feelings too. The way I see it...

If you are not getting off to me then you shouldn't be looking up other girls. I'd seriously talk to him if you really love him, but don't put yourself through it if he's not going to try and satisfy you... Damn it, girls have needs too! I think the bigger problem here is that he turns you down.

Everyone needs ONE chance to prove themselves, if not show him to the curve!! I'm sure you can find someone else that is as fascinated to be with you and no one else.. this guy is totally taking you for granted.

[gunshowbabe]

Originally Posted by ItalianStallion

hey welcome to the boards..sumtiems its easier to talk online rather than in real life or in person..u say he comes on Ef..so he might read this? umm lets see where do i start...sum people r addicted to porn...as they watch it a lot or when they want to n its an addiction, others watch because they like to...now havin a gf/wife makes me think that why would u need to watchin porn, if u want to be sexual, do it with ur wife/gf...no need to be alone? have u guys not been sexual? if yes maybe he is missin it n resorts to doin it himself, maybe the times he wants it ur not in mood? than why not let him just be alone...i dont feel like porn is a bad thing, unless it consumes ur life...but in this case i dont think its bad..ur obviously not against porn just him watchin it alone witout u...i understand where ur comin from but maybe he just likes it...no need to say wat u look like...its not ok to cheat on ur gf if shes ugly or beautiful..cheatin is cheatin, in this case hes not cheatin, u say u feel insecure? its not like hes unhappy wit u, its just that porn gives u sumtin maybe everyday life wouldnt... not every gurl in porn r the gurls down the street n all that such, same wit guys..its basically a fantasy world that people watch...dont let it go to ur head, if ur relationship is good no need to worry...that might be a hobby of his, let it b some of us go to the gym..or build cars, or even read..this is wat he does, hes not hurtng ne1, hes not breakin ne laws/rules of a gf and bf...only thing is ur feelin hurt n if he knos than he should stop or break up...if he knos this upsets u n still does it, thats not right...u should talk about it n make a solution...hope sumtin of this nature helps..gl wit everything...

I must have missed the part where they hadn't been intimate yet, I just assumed they were. I agree with Italian stallion 100%.

If you guys have not been intimate then I don't think it's bad for him to look at porn. Everyone has those hormones kick in everyonce in a while. I got the impression that he rejected being with YOU to look at porn.. Once you are in a more serious relationship, we'll talk. I was away for a few days and found some stuff in the computer when I got back, but I didn't get mad becuase I wasn't there. That is the only time he's done it too. It would be a big deal if I was home though and he choose to look it up instead of having a little fun with me instead.

I wouldn't worry about it then honey.

[Rock36]

I also missed that they haven't been intimate....I guess it was mentioned when she said:

"I tried to get something off the computer for my brother and found heaps of porn, he said he just downloaded it to research in case we ever started doing it because we were thinking about it."

I interpreted that statment to mean that if they started trying stuff they saw in the porno videos....I had assumed they already consumated the basic act of sex. If you have never had sex with your fiance that could be a contributing factor to the situation. If your morals dictate no sex before marriage, then there is nothing wrong with that, but you really should be with someone who shares that view.



Rereading the post, I also picked up on something significant Insecure said:

"Anyway, now i dont trust him, i check his history and recent docs all the time. He says he's stopped looking at them now but i dont know how much difference that's made. He admitted he's been doing it since we first got together and I just feel entirely disrespected and I've lost respect for him."

These are very powerful statements, and if you truely feel this way, then your relationship may possibly be beyond repair already. Contempt for your partner is very lethal for relationships. Mutual and sincere respect is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work. It may in fact be one of the most important things for a successful relationship.

[mooshue]

lets see, a guy you are seeing you havent had sex with is masturbating on his own time, not fucking other women and you are upset with him? pardon me but i have to say you are the one who needs to change, not him. You guys are already in for a long haul if he cant do what he wants in his own time. Ive been married, my ex was the same way as you at first, all sobby and snooping around. Masturbation is embarrasing to young men, hes not going to admit it to you and you shouldnt expect him to. I jerk it regularly, i live with my girlfriend and fuck often. Sometimes i just want a fucking release.
I guess people like you are so insecure wtih themselves they see everything someone does as a personal attack. Hes not trying to hurt you, hes simply trying to jerk off in private and you keep ruining it. Either leave him alone and let him release or hes going to start venturing out and getting someone else to release him since you arent.
Im just speaking from experience on the subject.
FYI, is someone was snooping around my computer, (which has happened to me hence the ex) her ass would be gone. That kind of stalker quality is something guys dread.

[mavgrad99]

I think you are taking this way too hard, there is no problem with him "rubbing one out" every now and then, now if he does it like 20 times a day, then you might want to see professional help. I dont think its anything you did personally to him maybe its the point in the relationship where you are finding out more about him, Im sure there is more good than bad with you two, 2.5 years is a good start, keep building on that!

[Rock36]

Originally Posted by mooshue

lets see, a guy you are seeing you havent had sex with is masturbating on his own time, not fucking other women and you are upset with him? pardon me but i have to say you are the one who needs to change, not him. You guys are already in for a long haul if he cant do what he wants in his own time. Ive been married, my ex was the same way as you at first, all sobby and snooping around. Masturbation is embarrasing to young men, hes not going to admit it to you and you shouldnt expect him to. I jerk it regularly, i live with my girlfriend and fuck often. Sometimes i just want a fucking release.
I guess people like you are so insecure wtih themselves they see everything someone does as a personal attack. Hes not trying to hurt you, hes simply trying to jerk off in private and you keep ruining it. Either leave him alone and let him release or hes going to start venturing out and getting someone else to release him since you arent.
Im just speaking from experience on the subject.
FYI, is someone was snooping around my computer, (which has happened to me hence the ex) her ass would be gone. That kind of stalker quality is something guys dread.

I was trying to focus on the fact that he was lying, but you made me laugh out loud with this post.

[olblueeyes]

ALL men masturbate and look at porn. Its in our genes. Just a fact. Any guy that tells you different is a liar. Fact.

So you are way over-reacting and need to accept that this is just what all men do. Its like shaving to a guy.

[gunshowbabe]

Originally Posted by olblueeyes

ALL men masturbate and look at porn. Its in our genes. Just a fact. Any guy that tells you different is a liar. Fact.

So you are way over-reacting and need to accept that this is just what all men do. Its like shaving to a guy.

That's all men that aren't happy with their current sex life buddy. I'm sorry, but what you just had to say is one of the most ignorant things I have heard and it doesn't help the theory that "all men are dogs"... They really aren't. Yes, all men masturbate... all women masturbate... but not look at porn (speaking in terms of relationships). Yes it's human nature to have sex and want to have sex but it comes down to alot more in the relationship that men are men and we have to just "accept it"... Sorry for saying it, but that's bullshit. Now in her situation, yes... maybe she should try to be more understanding of him, but porn in some situations is not acceptable and it can be hurtful. Got it?

[mooshue]

2 things now that the thread was removed

#1 - Inadequate the reason for removing your post made me laugh. You are hidden on the internet, no one knows who or what you are and more likely than not, no one gives a shit. You have become a 1 post wonder.

#2 - gunshowbabe a woman cant answer for a man and a man cant answer for a woman. You saying that we are all wrong for liking porn is your opinion. porn is something that men and women enjoy. If the man or woman is going to be a prude whining little bitch then of course the other half is going to deny its being done. Why should someone give up something they enjoy on their own private time for someone else? The problems lie way deeper than porn or lying about porn or even being embarrassed and denying the porn and jerking off. Something else is really wrong with the relationship if thats their main focus and i think you hinted on that in your post. Men and women function differently, i dont think anyone can argue that point. I dont mean physically, i mean morally, mentally, etc... i think your response to olblueeyes, while maybe somewhat correct, unjust. You dont have to accept that men are men, but you certainly need to be willing to give space. If not the man is going to leave the porn behind and find the real thing for the simple fact that you are smothering him if you try to pry, snoop, and belittle him.

I dunno if this helps or not, but i have spindles upon spindles of porn dvd's in my dresser at home. Ive learned now much older and wiser, no need to be embarrased or hide it. I let my girlfriend know that i jerk off, and she also does the same without me. We both enjoy it and it actually makes finding out the other did it that much hotter. In fact when i find out she did it, im ready to fuck and visa versa. It doesn't inhibit our sexual feelings like this poor lady, it ignites it.

[ItalianStallion]

i think inadequates partner visited this site..therefore they took it off before maybe they could read it? o well...maybe they still read our posts n learn sumtin....this is wat the forum is...to help out all who cant talk to friends/familyy in real life

[gunshowbabe]

First of all, I have to say it puzzles me why she deleted the post and why it was her first post to begin with, but to each their own.

Well Mooshue, I highlighted my responses in red.

Originally Posted by mooshue

quote=mooshue;666879]

#2 - gunshowbabe a woman cant answer for a man and a man cant answer for a woman. (You are right about that!) You saying that we are all wrong (never said that) for liking porn is your opinion. porn is something that men and women enjoy (true). If the man or woman is going to be a prude whining little bitch then of course the other half is going to deny its being done (agreed, but it doesn't give an excuse to lie, a lot of things come with a relationship and with it comes honesty.. and talking things out.. everyone is going to have disagreements in relationships and sometimes if a person is bothered by it maybe she/he doesn't understand... or sees things differently from the way they really are... so the right thing to do is be honest and talk it out so the other person doesn't feel for example: "inadequate"... if a person really cares, they would at least listen, not just lie about it). Why should someone give up something they enjoy on their own private time for someone else? (never said give it up.. ) The problems lie way deeper than porn or lying about porn or even being embarrassed and denying the porn and jerking off (completely what I had to say). Something else is really wrong with the relationship if thats their main focus and i think you hinted on that in your post (I did). Men and women function differently, i dont think anyone can argue that point. I dont mean physically, i mean morally, mentally, etc... i think your response to olblueeyes, while maybe somewhat correct, unjust (I apologize, if unjust or rude (I really didn't mean to be rude)... I just highly doubt that about every sinlge man on earth is watching porn, yes masturbating (becuase, like you said- we are different, and I agree we are) but not every man has to watch porn... it's possible). You dont have to accept that men are men, but you certainly need to be willing to give space (I don't understand where this comment came from, honestly... I think you are confusing me with Inadequate... I wasn't speaking in terms of my relationship). If not the man is going to leave the porn behind and find the real thing for the simple fact that you are smothering him if you try to pry, snoop, and belittle him (yes if she keeps belittling him, but hopefully not if things get talked out between them... The "hurtful" can come in when your partner is being rejected becuase you rather look at other women, that to me, is a situation that porn could cause a relationship to fall apart and cause the WOMAN to find it somewhere else or completely leave the relationship... I didn't mean that porn is the devil and sure there's nothing wrong with it in most situations. I think you misunderstood most of my post, if I must say... but it might be my fault for not explaining it correctly)



I dunno if this helps or not, but i have spindles upon spindles of porn dvd's in my dresser at home (congratulations). Ive learned now much older and wiser, no need to be embarrased or hide it. I let my girlfriend know that i jerk off (I agree it can be a turn on), and she also does the same without me . We both enjoy it and it actually makes finding out the other did it that much hotter (agreed). In fact when i find out she did it, im ready to fuck and visa versa (too much info). It doesn't inhibit our sexual feelings like this poor lady, it ignites it (yes in her situation I believe she was overracting also.. I was just saying in SOME situations, sorry for the confusion)

[olblueeyes]

Originally Posted by gunshowbabe

That's all men that aren't happy with their current sex life buddy. I'm sorry, but what you just had to say is one of the most ignorant things I have heard and it doesn't help the theory that "all men are dogs"... They really aren't. Yes, all men masturbate... all women masturbate... but not look at porn (speaking in terms of relationships). Yes it's human nature to have sex and want to have sex but it comes down to alot more in the relationship that men are men and we have to just "accept it"... Sorry for saying it, but that's bullshit. Now in her situation, yes... maybe she should try to be more understanding of him, but porn in some situations is not acceptable and it can be hurtful. Got it?

dude, you clearly have some hang ups that you need to work out. good luck with that.

[gunshowbabe]

Originally Posted by olblueeyes

dude, you clearly have some hang ups that you need to work out. good luck with that.

Keep reading dude...

[justaguy87337]

could it be possible that a guy would use porn as a release for things he would never ask his partner to do?