Relationship going very badly need advice.

**theatrain** · November 30th, 2007, 12:54 AM

I'm sorry to come to the internet for advice
but I've seen you guys' give advice to others' and I've seen a lot of good opinions. beleive me.. I'm very emmbarassed about the situation as it is.. maybe just talking about it will help.

I've been seeing this girl off and on for 2 years. We took some breaks and got back together alot. The longest we went on a streak is 1 year and 3 months. Over the summer I wanted a break though because I felt so smothered and stressed cause of the fights we were having.

So now were back together and I'm finding out alot of things that happened when we were together and on breaks. I heard a rumour she had sex with another guy.. she denied it. I took her virginity and I like the fact that I am the only one shes been with. I feel special.. like she saved it for me and I'm the only one important enough for her to do that with. I do not think of her as my property since I took her virginity, its just a special feeling that she let me be her first. However, she admitted it came close to them having sex.. but she backed out and asked to please be taken home. I didn't believe it, I accused her of lying repeativley for 3 weeks. She swore to god on my life that she only hungout with him that 1 time and she did not let it go that far. I still didn't beleive her.. a few nights later she called me and said we have a "doctors appointment" the following day. I thought I got her pregnant or something. I meet her at the "doctors" come to find out its some sort of psychological therapy place.. I walk in the room and find her hooked up to heart monitors, computers, and what not. She informs me that she is taking a lie detector test

I was shocked.. The man talked to me and thought that I was the one who had the idea.. I said no it was her and he talked to me about our situation.

He than asked her if shes engaged into sex, oral sex with anyone but me and some other question that I can not quite remember. I was outside of the room and he informed me later that she was not deceiptive.. and she was telling the truth. I felt bad for not beleieving her, but another part of me thought "Well.. how reliable are these tests" I talked to the guy he said its 95% accurate. I still am iffy about it. The thought that she would even do that for me makes me think shes telling the truth... UNTILLLLLL

we had a talk and we both agreed to tell each other anything thats relevant to our relationship working out.. this including any guys/girls we been with.. and what not. She swore to me that I knew everything. I beleived her.

I don't go in her house often (her dad hates me, her mom loves me tho) one day she talked me into coming in.. and i found a card from some guy. The card said something like thanks for letting me take u out i had a good time.. happy sweetest day feel better. I flipped out, I said wtf is this. i cant beleive you're still lying. She said "its from my cousin" LMFAOOOOO ya right.. needless to say eventually she admitted that it was some kid from work (who I know, not personally but from seeing him at the restaurant and some friends know him) hes a kind of nerdy kid.. very nice actually.. and I've heard rumors that he is actually homosexual (i have nothing against this.. but still if a gay guy is taking my girl out, i have nothing to be worried about, right? lol) Anyway, I sit her down. I said you're safe with me.. please just tell me the truth. She tells me that hes a very nerdy kid with not many friends.. she actually thinks hes gay, but after a while she started to feel like he had a crush on her. So she decided to be nice and let him take her out. She apologized and i accepted, still i called the kid and I asked him what was going on. He told me he knew from the begining she wanted just friends and that he did his best to respect that. He also said that she told him about me and hes sorry for not 100% respecting me.

At this point, I'm upset.. but i feel better knowing that nothing happened. She lied saying it was her cousin which still makes me laugh because i know her family? and i never met one with his name.. Anyway.

Remember the guy they "almost" had sex?
well.. just hung out once, right?
WRONG!. We're laying in bed today and I turnover and I ask her
is there anything else I should know.. I'm sorry for keep asking you
but i really just cant stop thinking.
She says.. No.. I ask again. She starts spilling
They hungout 2 other times. Nothing happened those times, not even kissing just a huge before they left each other. Also she admits that she has had an alternate AIM screen name that I do not know about so she could talk to him and also she used it to just look at random ppls info's and what not.

Now shes telling me she has not talked to him in almost 3 months and that shes sorry shes 100% dedicated to me now. I logged into that alternate screen name from AIMEXPRESS (Maybeone someone can help me here) a aim.express dashboard pops up and it displays buddy updates. Things like when they changed an away messag, when they changed there profile, and then i noticed some things like messages. The message updates didnt have text in them it just said "HIS SCREENNAME" (5 hours ago) :"
Idk what this means.. maybe someone who uses it knows what it means. 5 hours ago she was at my house.. so i know she wasnt talking to him, also she says she hasnt logged onto that s/n in a very long time..

what do u guys think? she tells me so much she hates lying to me but shes very afraid to lose me. Today after every bit of information that she gave me I reassured her that I can be understanding about it and that I love her and want to make things work out with her, BUT she has to continute telling me the truth and no more lies. Lies are going to kill our relationship. I let her know firmly I WILL say goodbye to her if they presist.. no matter how painful it may be I will walk away i told her. I said you never will have to worry about this though if you just stay honest and be 100% for me.

**graeme99** · November 30th, 2007, 01:12 AM

How old are you guys ? and please tell me she wasn't your 1st as well ?

**theatrain** · November 30th, 2007, 01:34 AM

She was my second.
The first time I jumped right into it
With her we decided to wait a little bit longer.
She never appeared to be the type of girl who is "slutty" or
"curious" to try things with other guys..

She doesn't drink or go to parties.
She actually insisted on deleting her myspace (even tho I have one)
becuase she felt like it was causing too many problems with the guys
messaging her hitting on her.. she knew it bothered me some what

I didnt delete mine, but i deleted every girl who i had been involved with
in the past and I mostly keep it for close friends and family i want
to keep in touch with.

During one of our longer breaks (about 3 months)
i actually got involved with another girl and we had sex
When we got back together i admited this to her and she
was very hurt and cried alot.

Now when I ask her how come she did this to me she just
apologized and says I don't seem like i care anymore
and in a way she did it for revenge to make me feel
the way she felt when i got involved with that other girl.

**JoeBAR** · November 30th, 2007, 02:13 AM

You break up a few time, you see somebody else, no praw. She does, BIG PRAW? Doesn't make sense.
Either you trust her, or you don't, but YOU have to make your mind up. But do her a favour, make your mind up quick and drop the case, either with or without her, stop torturing her. I can guaranty you you wouldn't like somebody to do to you what you are doing to her.

'How come she did this to me' ... Fuck sake man, how come you DO this to her?

Men can be such jerks.

**theatrain** · November 30th, 2007, 02:20 AM

Its true what you say. I am not innocent
but i like to come out with the truth right away

she hides these things for months at a time
and i findout they happen during us being together

Your advice is very obvious what I should do. I just feel
like maybe getting it off my chest could help me. I dont
like to talk to friends or family about these issues because
i fear they will think bad of her and find it hard to accept her
if and when we get over these issues. She was my closest
friend. When I had a problem she was the one I turned to.

Now I can't do that and its very confusing where to turn.

**Carnitas** · November 30th, 2007, 02:25 AM

Break up with this girl and save you and her any more trouble. You go log onto her screen name why? You obviously don't trust her, otherwise you wouldn't be doing this.

**JoeBAR** · November 30th, 2007, 02:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

Its true what you say. I am not innocent
but i like to come out with the truth right away

she hides these things for months at a time
and i findout they happen during us being together

Your advice is very obvious what I should do. I just feel
like maybe getting it off my chest could help me. I dont
like to talk to friends or family about these issues because
i fear they will think bad of her and find it hard to accept her

You got very weird friend and family. If I was your friend or your family, as you probably have noticed in my previous post, she wouldn't be the one I'd think worse of.

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

if and when we get over these issues. She was my closest
friend. When I had a problem she was the one I turned to.

Now I can't do that and its very confusing where to turn.

Well, if that's how you feel, I'm afraid the only way is out, like Carnitas says.

**Carnitas** · November 30th, 2007, 02:40 AM

If you can't turn to your own girlfriend any more when you are having problems, why be with this girl? Shes supposed to be the one you should have no trouble turning to when you are down, sad, feeling bad, feeling confused, upset angry. You guys are together because you understand eachother. If that is lost, that relationship is over, and you just keep dragging it on and making it worse. Cut the ties dude, and go look for some other girls you have a problem trusting as well.

Rock36 · November 30th, 2007, 02:47 AM

Too much drama. It doesn't seem like you are able to trust this girl anymore, or maybe you have trust issues in general. Don't wait for this to persist any longer the patterns are already established.

What do you intend to gain by logging into her AIM account? Nothing good can come out doing stuff like that. You either trust her or you don't. If you trust her you won't go snooping, if you don't then it is time to go. You can't say you trust her, and then go looking for reasons to confirm or deny that trust.

I'm with Carnitas just move on, you can and will find other women that won't trigger your suspicion/jealousy button everyday.

**theatrain** · November 30th, 2007, 03:02 AM

I wish I could type entire story to make things easier to understand. I type from a phone tho as do I not have a computer.

Anyhow, I thank u for ur advice. You're right. I should not be with a girl if trust betwen us does not exist. This is my first long term relationship and admitting its over sucks.

I'm going to have 1 final talk with her tommorow afternoon to discuss our problems and also get her side.

**Carnitas** · November 30th, 2007, 03:16 AM

But it seems from what you have been saying so far, that whatever she says, you are still going to have a part of you that does not believe her no? So whats the point in getting her side if thats going to happen? I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to understand better.

**JoeBAR** · November 30th, 2007, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

I wish I could type entire story to make things easier to understand. I type from a phone tho as do I not have a computer.

Don't waste too much time on this one. It's a well known case, and we all heard similar stories. Your initial post and the various answer you made so far say it all. You're looking for excuses, but to be perfectly honest, you acted like a jerk, and on-off relationship ain't relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

Anyhow, I thank u for ur advice. You're right. I should not be with a girl if trust betwen us does not exist. This is my first long term relationship and admitting its over sucks.

No doubt about it, and there will be more, maybe only one more for life, or many, one never knows. Good luck bro.

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

I'm going to have 1 final talk with her tommorow afternoon to discuss our problems and also get her side.

**pliny_2001** · November 30th, 2007, 09:18 AM

I'm with the general EFF opinion, though w/ a twist: sure, end it - you obviously don't trust her, she's obviously crazy and has a low sense of self-esteem (both exhibited by pro-actively getting a lie-detector exam), and you - well, you kind of are acting like a jerk.

If you think that going out w/ other people while on a break is fine for you, you really kind of have to think that it's fine for her.

The whole "taking virginity makes it special" is just creepy, and the "though I don't own her" part really only makes it more creepy.

So here's my call: the two of you are too immature. Hopefully this is just because you're too young (sub-18?). It segues into my next point: you have to grow up. If you want to be with someone else, you've got to figure out how to be w/ yourself -- develop a backbone, figure out what you want, and figure out who you are. Start working on those, and be w/ girls who are also in on the journey.

But this situation's pure crazy. End it and you'll both be lucky.

**JarheadRI** · November 30th, 2007, 10:01 AM

Yep what Pliny and the others say.... Hell just cause you had sex with her and she with you then you guys have to get married? Human beings are NOT monogamous beings.... I don't care what anyone says. Maybe just BREAK it off for good and stay friends. You guys may hook up down the line and then make it work but right now it ain't worth it. My wife and I of 12 years had this kind of thing. It eventually worked out but for the first 3 years we just messed around and had fun. Damn don't live your life in 18 months... it ain't worth it.

**Insex** · November 30th, 2007, 01:11 PM

I just have one question for the original poster:

During your break, had she slept with someone AND she admitted it to you right away, would you have accepted it, forgiven her, and continued with the relationship? Or would you have ended it right there for "cheating" on you?

If you're out sleeping with other women, even while you're both on break, you shouldn't forbid her from doing the same to you. Actually, you should probably expect it, lol.

Lastly, the worst is yet to come. Because you actually gave in to another woman while your relationship was on break, and your girlfriend actually held out when she had an opportunity to sleep with another guy, she is very hurt by the fact that you took your opportunity while she didn't. Maybe right now she still loves you and doesn't want to lose you, so she is willing to put up with it. But when she's a little older and is less like a girl and more like a woman, she's going to realize that the score is 1-0 you, and the only way to justify what you did to her and make the score even is to do the same thing that you did to her.

I hope that everything works out for the two of you in the end. But honestly, this relationship seems like it's already focked.

sexy69 · November 30th, 2007, 03:21 PM

I beleive that talking about the relationships you had while you were not together was not a very good move.

You needed time away... so what both of you guys did during this time is irelevent when you guys get bacl together!

I am sorry, but all these doughts with her are casued by you and you only. What good has come out from you guys talking about relationships while you were not together... NOTHING! I think you ruined what could have been a great realtionship... some things are better left un said!

olblueeyes · November 30th, 2007, 03:28 PM

you sound very young.

but, bottom line is, you have to have trust to have a successful relationship. and it doesnt sound like you trust her at all.

**cujo-1** · November 30th, 2007, 11:51 PM

either accept her or leave her bottom line.

**theatrain** · December 1st, 2007, 12:45 AM

ty 4 all of the opinion
u r right i cant try to make excuse to make myself
feel better. she is a beautiful girl and things were
once very good 4 us. i tlkd 2 her today and she
told me she would love to work things out with
me but she hates the trust issue i have.

i apologized alot for my actions and the way
i have been a jerk 2 her. i told her
im going to do my best to be making changes
and she said she would really like that.

the rest of the day together with
her went rather well. i witheld from asking her
anymore details about some situations that
may have happened during our break because
i realize thats not going to help and its not right
for me to think its a big problem for her to do that
but no problem for me to do what i did. we did not fight
once today and it felt good. still im going to do my
best to start changing before we take anymore

i know that i cant make the change with the snap
of my finger becuz i realize its wrong. that would
most likely be a quick and only temporary change
i want 2 make a permanent change in myself so i
can not only be better for her and this relationship
but if this one doesnt work out i think that will
make me a better bf in any future relationship

maybe 4 now we are going to take a step back and not
hangout with each other so much and slow things down
we are young and moving so fast like we r a married couple
seems to make the situation more complicated than a 18yr olds
relationship should be. we are not going to hangout this weekend
but i did ask her if she wants to come to church with me on sunday
because lately when i have been looking at myself in the mirror
and talking to my grandfather and grandmother i feel like i also
need to start 2 build a relationship with christ as well

**wildstang** · December 1st, 2007, 04:44 AM

get your trust issues settled within yourself and learn to quit being a jerk to her about it and she and any other female you should end up with appreciate that quality. from what you stated earlier it was you who cheated in a more hurtfull way not her. just remember that if your untrusting ways should want to resurface.