advice on a female

**cujo-1** · October 3rd, 2008, 10:06 AM

ive always read most everyone elses problems and never thought i would be posting mine. here goes, first off im in my early 30's so im no spring chicken if you know what i meen. i met this female in her mid 20's and everything went like a fairytale it seemed. she was super sweet, attentive, and loving and careing. the type of treatment that can make a person develop feelings a little quicker then intended. needless to say we spent every day together since first encounter, wich has been 5 months.
i really like the girl, but recently ive been picking up on a few actions of hers that bug me. i dont know if im over reacting or what so thats why i decided to post it here and get others perspectives.
it mainly happens when we go out socially. shes perfectly fine sober untill she gets kinda buzzed up and her inhibitions seem to drop. she has 2 children wich dosent matter that much to me since theyre well mannered. anyways i had noticed her before i got with her. ive seen her with a older gentlemen before i kinda stole her away from him. she swore up and down they were just casual friends and thats all. she said he liked her more then just as a friend and she claimed because of his age she wasnt interested like that. regardless of what she said i had seen these 2 together in the past for about a year, so i kinda just chocked that one up as possible. it was her past and i cant hold that against her. well as i mentioned when she gets buzzed up she becomes kinda flirty in my opinion. we encountered this gentlemen i spoke of while out on the town for a nights activitys and she was a little more then buzzed up in my eyes and she sees him and starts trying to get his attention. that hurt my feelings but i stayed with her and after in the morning i told her of what she did and it hurting my feelings. she apologized and all has been well for a while up untill last week. we are in the bar scene again and shes getting buzzed up again and after a while since we were playing darts in a tournament she goes to the bar since it was my throw and i couldnt get her a refill and is standing up there for over 20 minutes chatting it up with an older guy, going and shooting her darts and heads back up there. well i let it slip untill the next morning again and told her i dont appreciate what she was doing. told her i took you to the bar and would appreciate it if she would act as if she wasnt single when with me since she wanted a mutual relationship. i told her her actions are nothing more then hustling a guy for a free drink in my eyes. that remark didnt go over very well with her but in previous conversations she mentioned she used to go to the bar and never have to pay for drinking because guys would buy her drinks. so thats why i made that remark. am i overreacting people or is my initial thoughts of what shes doing fairly accurate?

**cujo-1** · October 3rd, 2008, 10:19 AM

and also im not so sure i feel i could trust her out alone with her girlfriends knowing in the back of my mind shes doing what shes doing flirting for free drinks in my opinion. needless to say shes a little ticked off as of telling her. in my opinion i always thought very lowly of females who exhibted this type of hustling. always thinking these type of actions are slutty. other then this and her somtimes overly moody nature are all i find bad about her. but i feel strongly if she with me drinking she shouldnt be with another guy at the bar while i sit at the table waiting. i could very easily break the guy in two wich in my younger millitary days i didnt hesitate when someone pissed me off. ive been written up repeatedly in the service for fights and feel now ive matured and wont jump in a fight at the drop of a hat as before. am i over reacting in the ladys eyes here? i would appreciate if some of you females as well as the males voice your opinion. thanks in advance.

**joey9** · October 3rd, 2008, 11:21 AM

I think you are perfectly justified in not wanting your woman to flirt with other guys for free drinks every time you go to a bar. Perfectly justified. What to do about it, I'm not sure.

**joey9** · October 3rd, 2008, 11:29 AM

Being able to flirt and get free drinks probably gives her a feeling of self-esteem and power that she is used to getting. It's probably a little like an addiction, and perhaps an understandable one. Probably many gorgeous women are used to that. It's probably a little like a guy giving up something that makes him feel powerful, like I don't know, a high-paid job or something.

Hopefully the relationship with you offers something better, for which she's willing to give up that pattern. I don't think you can force it though.

Maybe this is a opportunity to really open up and be vulnerable with her, more than you have before. That might break her heart. Some chicks just can't believe it when a guy does that and it moves them very deeply. If that doesn't work, if you're both not willing to give up previous patterns to make this relationship deeper, then maybe you're not meant to have a deep relationship?

I guess what I'm saying is give the relationship your best effort and it will either get better or it won't.

**joey9** · October 3rd, 2008, 11:37 AM

I think all you can do is feel the pain of this situation and share that with her. If you try to control her behavior, whether overtly or subtly, she will probably not react favorably. She'll feel that you're just being insecure and controlling.

Maybe she's testing you?

**Weeble29** · October 3rd, 2008, 11:52 AM

Cujo, assuming you two consider eachother girlfriend/boyfriend your not overreacting at all and these are very valid concerns that you have. I dated a girl who was night and day from sober to tipsy and dealt with many of these same problems so I can relate to your situation. Letting her know that what she is doing bothers you is perfectly fine and getting pissed off when she doesn't give you that respect is completely justified. I ultimately broke up with the girl I was dating because it became a maturity issue and she just couldn't grow out of that social non-sober flirtation mode. Whether its a chemical balance that gets thrown off by these types of people when alcohal is involved I don't know, but something is wrong if she blows your feeling off after a few drinks.

Granted the relationship is fairly new and I'm sure when things are normal its good, but at the cost of getting upset repeatedly because of her inconsiderate actions at social events I'm not sure its worth it to you. I think if you've spoken to her twice already about this and nothing has changed you really have to make a judgement call as to how much you can take before you move on. If she is flirting and hustling for free drinks in front of you imagine what she does when your not there. I'm really not trying to be so negative, but in this situation it doesn't seem that there is an upside to her behavior when you two go out for drinks.

Accepting drinks from complete strangers when she is with you is unacceptable and shows a lack of respect IMO. I would just let her know that you wouldn't do that to her and that if she continues to behave this way she will lose the relationship she has with you. If she doesn't make an effort to give you that respect you should stop spending time with her.

**mooshue** · October 3rd, 2008, 11:57 AM

i hate the bar scene for that very reason. People in my opinion go there because they cant function in a sober social setting or they want to get laid. Either of those are bad news.
I for one dont have a problem when my girlfried goes out with her friends and gets guys to buy her drinks, maybe thats just the cheap jew bastard in me, let some other douchebag bar fly shell out the $100 for her and her friends. I also get the perks of those nights, im always the one who goes and picks up her and her drunk friends and any other chicks they may have picked up along the night

Luckily this is only like twice a year, in your situation it sounds like its just what people do on a weekend. Much like my ex wife, it has to stop being drunken weekends just to function or it has to end. It will only get worse.

**joey9** · October 3rd, 2008, 12:00 PM

I agree with Weeble. Actions speak louder than words. You might have to end it if she's not willing to respect your feelings, or to put it another way, to respect her own relationship with you. She's either ready to grow up or she isn't.

**tidalwave** · October 3rd, 2008, 12:24 PM

I'm agreeing with the advice above. That kind of behavior shows lack of respect for your feelings as well as a lack of maturity on her part. As someone in his mid-20s, it's almost sad to see some of my peers go out and swim in booze every weekend, as if they're still in college. To see someone still in that stage with children sends some significant messages.

Casual friendships with the opposite sex are great, but it has to be respectful of the significant other.

**wildstang** · October 3rd, 2008, 12:29 PM

it sounds 2 me like shes being inconsiderate towards your feelings. really need 2 sit down and lay everything out on the table and make your judgement call thereafter.

**cujo-1** · October 3rd, 2008, 02:26 PM

just talked with her and got the cold shoulder. thinks im over reacting. i asked her how she would feel if i went somewere with her and left her at the table while i went to the bar and carried on a conversation with some stranger i just met, wich is the case with her also. she didnt know the guy when i asked her if she did. she said i was just having a conversation and he didnt buy me a drink i have my own money. i told her shes still missing the point. she then said you talk to females also and i dont jump all over you for it. i explained the females i talk to in front of you are related mainly through blood. as far as strangers no i dont talk to them other then a friendly hi in reply to them greeting me.

**wil** · October 3rd, 2008, 02:53 PM

I was ready to give a response to your first post and then after reading the other responses I would just be echoing those sentiments.

So... ditto.

Oh... her rationalization of flirting for drinks to your talking to female relatives is hella lame. IMHO

**wildstang** · October 3rd, 2008, 04:24 PM

i hate 2 say it, but its time to step away and create some space and see if she comes around to your kind of thinking (rationale) and sees her mistakes. no way to start a long standing relationship if thats the intention. she needs to compromise as well as you do in certain circumstances. im in no way saying anything you posted is wrong and needs compromising, just that eventually your gonna have to adjust in some way also that may bug her in the long run.

**wil** · October 3rd, 2008, 04:29 PM

Or... and I'm just thinking out loud here... I personally would not condone this ... but ... there could be another angle to this...

Next time she goes to the bar to "have a conversation" ask HER to bring back a free beer for YOU.

**torofuerte** · October 4th, 2008, 02:04 PM

Dump her. She's really, really lame (that's the least offensive adjective I could use to describe a person, male or female, that rationalizes that kind of shit like that.)

Dump her. Or better yet, do exactly the same she's doing, and when she complains (which she will), then dump her.

However, if she ever complains if you do the same, it's not because all of the sudden she got an epiphany and realizes she loves you, wants to be exclusive and shit like that. It's simply about control.

Flirting in a bar := control
Getting away with it := control
Giving you the cold shoulder when you complain about it := control
"Knowing" or thinking you won't do shit about it := control

Break that control, establish your own, get her to feel some of the same discomfort you are experience, and then dump her sorry ass for good. If there is enough material in her to make a decent person, she will learn her lesson and won't do the same shit with the next guy.

People with the potential to be decent don't learn their lessons unless they experience a permanent loss. Get her to experience to lose you permanently, so that she learn having a pair of boobs do not compensate for her lame, disrespectful habits.

Good luck brother. Break yourself free, fly like a bee in new winds and tap some new ass, or better yet, find a nice woman that respects you.

**theatrain** · October 4th, 2008, 02:50 PM

Even if she isn't your girlfriend or significant other.. whatever you want to call it.. You still have the right to be bothered/pissed off a little bit if YOU take her out and she leaves your side to talk to another guy.

I mean if its an old friend and she walks over with YOU and introduces and says hey how you been anyway we're gonna go have a drink, have a good night.. thats fine..

but even a girl wasnt my girlfriend and i took her out and she started to basically leave me by myself to go talk to some other guy it'd bother me.. actually it'd piss me off and make me feel like shit. I don't take a girl out on the town so some other guy can get to know her.. i take her out so I can get to know her and have a good time with her.

Its just disrespectful if you ask me even if shes not your girlfriend.. am i right?

**joey9** · October 4th, 2008, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by torofuerte

Flirting in a bar := control
Getting away with it := control
Giving you the cold shoulder when you complain about it := control
"Knowing" or thinking you won't do shit about it := control

If there is enough material in her to make a decent person, she will learn her lesson and won't do the same shit with the next guy.

People with the potential to be decent don't learn their lessons unless they experience a permanent loss.

Unfortunately I agree with this. I was going to say this exact thing but thought it would sound too harsh. Where did I put my balls?

I was with a woman once who had some, let us say, bad habits. No amount of talking it through, or even going to a therapist ever came close to touching the issue. Finally I realized that it was my staying with her that was keeping her from getting certain lessons. Once I dumped her, she grew up a lot. It was like that was the first time I ever got through to her for real.

Hopefully you won't have to dump your woman, but if you do have to, you've got my respect.

**Carnitas** · October 4th, 2008, 03:07 PM

My girlfriend does this, and it doesn't bother me. She usually gets the free drinks from the bartender. She will either wear a ring on her finger and say she just got engaged, or some other things I don't really know. Either way, I trust her, I love her, and I know its harmless fun what shes doing. If she can get a free drink, more power to her. I know she won't cheat on me and so for me I'm ok with it.

But for you, thats totally cool if you aren't and she should be mature enough to understand how you feel and obviously she is not. Take a couple of days off from her and get back to her later and see how she feels then.

**wildstang** · October 4th, 2008, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carnitas

My girlfriend does this, and it doesn't bother me. She usually gets the free drinks from the bartender. She will either wear a ring on her finger and say she just got engaged, or some other things I don't really know. Either way, I trust her, I love her, and I know its harmless fun what shes doing. If she can get a free drink, more power to her. I know she won't cheat on me and so for me I'm ok with it.

But for you, thats totally cool if you aren't and she should be mature enough to understand how you feel and obviously she is not. Take a couple of days off from her and get back to her later and see how she feels then.

im sorry i have to disagree with you on the harmless fun aspect. any time a female whos in a relationship uses her charms and looks to play a man for free drinks is well lets just say, kinda sleazy.
as far as cheating on you maybe she wont but your still allowing her the opportunity 2.

**cujo-1** · October 6th, 2008, 03:46 PM

well i walked away from this relationship and unfortunately i didnt realize how deeply my feelings went for her but i know deep down i cant live with this female. one positive aspect is this heartbreak has given me new focus in the gym breaking some of my bests in iron.
we talked one last time said my piece now she avoids me like the plague. i shouldve figured there was a reason someone so beautiful was single with 2 kids.