Girl problems, nothing new

**theatrain** · October 5th, 2008, 09:50 PM

I haven't come here for girl problems in a while, but that doesn't mean they haven't been happening. I've just gotten better at solving them for myself.

A few months ago me and my "first love" of about 3 years split. Ever since, I've been talking to this girl I knew from about a year ago when me and my "first love" were on a little break. I always knew something was special about her, but we never got serious last year.

This time around.. I bumped into at the same exact place I first met her at (Weird) and me and my buddies decided to hangout with her and her firends. Things were great.. then the question came up why I disappeared last summer.. and why we couldn't have at least stayed "just friends"... I told her "I didn't want to JUST be your friend".. long story short, I let her know that I had a problem with her partying lifestyle and how she had about 50x more guy friends then me and I'm not the kind of guy to control her or anything like that so I figured I'd just let her be herself and do her thing rather than try to be with her and always be fighting over the parties,drinking,etc...

She said over the year and a half she has grown up and doesn't drink nearly as much/party either. Well, the drinking part held true.. She has drank 2-3 times in the past 3 months. I can deal with it. The party thing however.. well shes been to one or two every weekend since we met. except last weekend. its kind of irritating.

Now.. I'm not some boringguy. Its just, partying ISN'T my thing.. I've tried it, its not me.. I'm 19 and most of the kids my age ARE partying, but not me.. its not for me. I am trying to pave the way for my future now and I find other ways to have fun.

The occasional bonfire/house party wasn't a big deal.. till last night. She gets home and whenever i ask her how her night went she always leaves out details.. like umm, meeting up a group of guys and chilling in the car while they all smoked?.. She doesn't smoke, she also has never had sex so its not like I have to worry.. I mean after this long of not having sex its not like shes gonna just give it up one night to some asshole.. but still, am i right to be uncomfortable when she puts her self into situations like that?

I feel like a real dick to bring it up cause I feel like I'm telling her "dont do this..." but on the other hand I don't exactly feel comfortable when my girlfriend is sleeping at parties, chillin with a bunch of guys or getting drunk.. its just how im programed.. this is how i am, idk why.. I'm secure with myself, believe me.. so don't read into this with some frued theories like im an insecure overcontrolling asshole because honestly if i could i wish i wouldn't be like this.. but it just makes the situation bother me even more when she skips the parts that she knows would bother me..

like if she'll leave out a little detail.. what happens when it comes to a BIG detail?

**tooncesthecat** · October 5th, 2008, 10:17 PM

My guess is that you would just be better as friends rather than boy/girl friends. You are correct in your sizing up the situation. She is a bit "improved" in her lifestyle, but you two still differ considerably in what you do with your leisure time. You're also wise enough to know that you can't expect her to change these habits until she does so on her own. So, recognizing these differences, I would recommend waiting for someone more like yourself to come along, despite the sadness that might accompany leaving this relationship behind.

**theatrain** · October 5th, 2008, 10:31 PM

Thanks toonces. I've been thinking exactly what you just said.But am I being unrealistic in my expectations? Or is the way I think like.. crazy?

I feel like im a huge overreacting asshole or something. Like obviously she isnt with those guys hooking up and stuff.. so i have no worries.. and she doesn't smoke weed.. she just drinks occasionally.. which she told me and tells me when she does.. but still even knowing all that I feel like i should be "comforted"... but really im not. I'm just wondering is this feeling of discomfort when shes in those situations normal?

Shes a good girl, no doubt about it. She doesn't do anything bad. Occasionally she has a drink, but more so the people she surrounds herself with put her in situations that I don't feel comfortable with..

and I would NEVER tell her "its them or me.." cause thats just a dick thing to do.. and its not right. Just shes not like most of her friends. none of them are "good girls"... but she is the "good girl" out of the group. So if you got a group of 10, 9 of them being bad influences.. theres more chance of the 1 good girl to end up in shady situations.. right?

and it seems like when she ends up in these situations she KNOWS its gonna bother me so she kind of leaves those details out.. even though i've told her twice already that its better for me to know the details because if i find out some other way it looks a lot worse than it probably was.. we had this talk today and she apologized and said she'll be 100% honest from now on and she assured me she just didnt tell me the details cause it was nothing and she knew it would bother me and she didnt want me to think something out of nothing

**ItalianStallion** · October 6th, 2008, 01:11 AM

sounds shitty buddy...she seems like she wants to party wit these people rather than hang out wit u...be careful, u say shes ur true love but that just might a front because its comfortable.true love is when everything is perfect n u my friend do not sound like its perfect...

**theatrain** · October 6th, 2008, 05:26 AM

I figure I just take things one day at a time by now. I was just wondering if I have the right to be uncomfortable with these situations because I feel like I'm being a burden or controlling or something when I bring up that it bothers me.

**wil** · October 6th, 2008, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theatrain

She gets home and whenever i ask her how her night went she always leaves out details..
...
like if she'll leave out a little detail.. what happens when it comes to a BIG detail?

Ever see the Seinfeld episode "The Yada Yada"? Those missing details could already be BIG.

I agree with toonces. You might be better off as just friends with this one. At 19, you have lots of time to meet lots of girls and find the one who is just right.
Good luck.

**tooncesthecat** · October 6th, 2008, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wil

Ever see the Seinfeld episode "The Yada Yada"? Those missing details could already be BIG.

I agree with toonces. You might be better off as just friends with this one. At 19, you have lots of time to meet lots of girls and find the one who is just right.
Good luck.

"I yada yada'd sex before" - EB

**wildstang** · October 6th, 2008, 02:18 PM

i'l echo what toons has said. shes obviously not very mature yet by wanting the party scene over quality time spent with a loved one. anytime someone picks partying over spending time in a relationship it eventually leads to disaster. as long as shes caught up in a lifestyle your uncomfortable with it will always be a troubled mind with it. ive been down this road at one or more times in my life and i know it can be heartbreaking but if you cant be truelly happy its time to move on and find someone with similar qualitys.

**cujo-1** · October 6th, 2008, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildstang

i'l echo what toons has said. shes obviously not very mature yet by wanting the party scene over quality time spent with a loved one. anytime someone picks partying over spending time in a relationship it eventually leads to disaster. as long as shes caught up in a lifestyle your uncomfortable with it will always be a troubled mind with it. ive been down this road at one or more times in my life and i know it can be heartbreaking but if you cant be truelly happy its time to move on and find someone with similar qualitys.

as much as this advice hurt to follow im going down the same road myself walking away from a woman i fell in love with, because she cant see the bad in what shes doing.

**A1food4U** · October 6th, 2008, 04:35 PM

Stay true to yourself train. I know that sounds old fashioned and a bit tired but it's true.
If she needs a room full of people every waking minute to validate who she is, then she is still searching for something that she doesn't believe you can fullfil. Sorry friend...

**theatrain** · October 6th, 2008, 06:41 PM

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

I didn't mean to make it sound like shes at a party 24/7, but I also wanted to get the point across that when she is in those situations.. I'm uncomfortable with it.

The biggest thing is.. I was confused.. I think to myself "Should I be uncomfortable with this?, Why am I uncomfortable?"..

And you know what.. I've just got to admit it does bother me and theres nothing I can do about it. This is who I am..Sure.. to some it might sound like I'm being controlling or something, but I'd never tell her DONT DO THIS. I just don't feel comfortable when shes at a place where everyones getting drunk/high.. or when guys are blowing her phone up.. or when she goes out n hangsout with some guys and doesnt tell me..

Yes. I do trust her, thats not why I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable because I don't trust the people shes around. I am a guy and I know what assholes we can be. A guy usually doesnt care if a girl has a boyfriend.. that doesnt stop him from slapping her ass.. and as far as her friends go.. her best friend was saying "Cmon, just come smoke with us..." and asking her "Why aren't you drinking lately? Did ATRAIN tell you not to?"

Of course I would never tell her not to.. but when we first got together I let her know that I think its kind of trashy when girls drink EVERY weekend.. she agreed and said thats why she slowed down and only drinks once n a while now.

*Update* - Just letting everyone know.. the situation hasn't become OVERLY stressful. I just wanted advice because I see that one day it could become a problem. We talked about it and it seemed to go good, but as soon as I feel like its becoming more stress than its worth.. im heading for the door. I'm 19 and have a long way to go.. its not like i wont find someone else

**pliny_2001** · October 7th, 2008, 12:06 AM

Nice update. You're (both?) 19, it doesn't feel completely right, and neither of you are tied to the relationship. Keep it on a back burner, and start looking around.

GK: You can't yada yada over the best part!
EB: I mentioned the bisque.

Poetickz · October 7th, 2008, 03:45 AM

ditch her dude...she may not be corrupt at the moment, but lets say you break her in with the hibbity dibbity. then what? she gave herself to you, and there nothing else to save. she might just end up sayin fuck it. in my opinon, its not worth your time to stress out about a chick whose saved herself despite all these "negative" situations.

BUT theres another grim situation that could occur....what if shes still deciding to save herself, and be legitmate, but she loses it without her concent? what if one of those guys shes hangin out with takes it from her? you'r now stuck with a mentally disturbed woman, and mentally disturbed woman are not easy to mess around with.. so i suggest drop it, unless you can be satisified with knowing that shes just trying to keep you happy because she may be embarassed about hangin out with potheads n shit.

**User Name** · October 7th, 2008, 12:43 PM

The best advice I've ever got about relationships: When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.

**SAINT_X** · October 7th, 2008, 02:34 PM

You're definitely a level headed guy. Listen to your better judgement.

She may not be quite grown up enough yet...I'd back off.