Never had a girlfriend, HELP!!

[black-steel]

Thanks again.

I am not a religious person but when it comes to sex. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone just for the physical act. I not a fan of one night stands.

Another thing that i struggle with is allowing my true self to come out when meeting new people. It takes me several meetings with someone before i feel comfortable enough around them. Then i act like my true self. Other wise when people meet me once i could imagine that people would think i'm boring, non talkative, don't smile and depressing. When infact when i'm comfortable around someone i'm the complete opposite . Its is something psychological that i don't have control over.

So basically i'm not too good at handling social situations.

[SUPREME]

ike most said, you just need to strike up random conversations. for instance in the laundry isle you see a nice looking girl and you wanna talk to her ask her her advice on what type of detergent would work better to get a certain stain out or something like that

LMFAO @ Wildstang...that would be an AWKWARD ice-breaker. If you catch my drift.

[pliny_2001]

I just saw this thread and have no idea if OP is still around, but his last post makes it all obvious: you aren't yet comfortable with yourself; this is evidenced by not being your "true self" around people until you get to know them.

This uncomfort-ness is apparent to those around, like insex said, desperation is a stinky cologne. Once you become at ease with yourself, you'll be at ease with others. And then you'll be dating. It's pretty much that simple.

Tragically, the only way that I'm aware of to become comfortable with yourself is through accomplishments -- I was once, if not shy, then at least a bit withdrawn, though I'd put on a brave face while around others. After a few successes in life, I became more comfortable with myself and was not as withdrawn. And accomplishments take time, though it's worth it.

IME, anyway/

[ghost_wolf]

Yeah, listen to these old fellas , follow their advices and don't worry about your age. Everybody is different.

Originally Posted by Weeble29

As for you being 24 don't worry your a puppy, you have plenty of time.

Quote from another guy, too:

"You did not need a girl unless you thouht about them. He learned that in the army. Then sooner or later you always got one. When you were really ripe for a girl you always got one. You did not have to think about it. Sooner or later it would come."
Hemingway

[torofuerte]

Originally Posted by black-steel

Thanks again.

I am not a religious person but when it comes to sex. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone just for the physical act. I not a fan of one night stands.

^^^^ This is your primary problem. You think too much, and you put too much value on something that is primarily physical: sex.

To me, your words are a cop-out, a way to hide your discomfort from approaching women and the unknown of being physically intimate with someone that might not have feelings for you.

If you cannot have sex with someone for the physical act, then you are using sex as a means to fulfill an emotional need or deficiency. And that's a sure ticket to be emotionally fucked up.

Assume for a moment that you don't have sex just for the physical act. Then that means you will have sex with someone that you are already emotionally involved. But how can you have a meaningful emotional involvement with someone if you don't get physical?

You can't possibly and healthy put all your emotional eggs in the same emotional basket, on someone, if you don't fully know them. Obviously, as you date, you get to know the person, you are (or should be) physically attracted), and you find each other wonderful to spend time with.

BUT... that doesn't mean that you know each other, much less have a true emotional bond that is meaningful, long-lasting and a sign of true love and compatibility.

Assuming that you are ready, capable and deserving of a long-term relationship, it takes years to get to know someone. You start seeing each other; eventually you have sex and spend the night together. Then you start learning about each other's peculiarities. Then you start spending more time together. And if you don't kill each other, you start living together. Issues like paying the bills, sharing obligations, smelling each other's farts, and tolerating the not so glamorous peculiarities of each other's personalities (which all of us have), then, and only then, you come to the point where you can say the following:

"Shit, I love this person. But not only I love this person, but we love each other in a healthy way; this person makes me a better person, and I make her/him a better person. So, not only I love this person, but I can live with her... and he/she can live with me."

If you are lucky, extremely lucky, the first person that you meet, date and have sex with will be the one. But if not, then you have to try again, and again, and again.

You have to take people as they come to your live, and let go as deemed necessary for the both of you.

If you meet a fine gal, and she wants to have sex with you, will you refuse? If you know she doesn't want anything but sex, but overall is a nice girl, then why not? Here is where you show your maturity - by not getting involved where you are not wanted, and yet be able to enjoy the company of someone who wants to share it with you.


You are expecting that sex should have (or that you should have sex that should have) some sort of emotional connotation. Even if you were to find the one woman of your life to love forever and ever, there is this fact:

You will have sex with her just for the sake of having sex. There is making love, and there is having sex.

Making love is having sex with the one you love. Having sex is simply that, sex for the sake of physical pleasure... and to a degree physical and emotional acceptance of oneself.

And forgive me for being blunt, but here is the truth:

When you find your one true love, and if both of you are truly compatible, sexually speaking, you and your true love will have sex for the mere pleasure of fucking each other's brains out every now and then, and perhaps even more often than not. You will fuck her silly like an baboon on viagra, with one eye rotating independently of the other, and she will love it. And she will ride you and do crazy things to you that you will love.

Love makes sex more enjoyable, but love and feelings are a separate fact from the act of having sex and enjoying it. You have to respect that difference. Once you respect and understand that, that will set you free.

It doesn't mean that you have to hump every piece of ass that comes your way, or that you have to be on a mission to do the honkie ponkie.

But it does mean that you should get rid of your mind the thought that you should have sex for something more than the physical act.

If you keep thinking like that, you will never ever learn or understand the difference between love and lust, between love and emotional attachment.

If you can't make that difference, you are bound to latch emotionally to every girl that winks an eye to you. Take what life offers you and know when you can or cannot get emotionally attached.

Then you will be able to live healthy, and then you will be in a position to find a meaningful relationship.

Originally Posted by black-steel

Another thing that i struggle with is allowing my true self to come out when meeting new people. It takes me several meetings with someone before i feel comfortable enough around them.

Dude, just talk to more people. Don't give a shit about what others think about you. Just be yourself. You are not interviewing for a job with the secret service.

Originally Posted by black-steel

Then i act like my true self. Other wise when people meet me once i could imagine that people would think i'm boring, non talkative, don't smile and depressing.

Well, you are being boring, non-talkative and depressing. You are giving them reason to think that way of you because that's how you are acting. You don't want people to think like that, then don't act like that.

You know what your problem is when you first meet people - you clam up like an oyster. You know the solution - don't do that.

Originally Posted by black-steel

When infact when i'm comfortable around someone i'm the complete opposite . Its is something psychological that i don't have control over.

Most likely than not, you do have control over it. You just have to practice. Practice, practice, practice. Talk to people, say hi, whatever. If you indeed cannot (which is very, very, very rarely), then you have to get some counseling. Beyond that, I'm not sure what to say.

Originally Posted by black-steel

So basically i'm not too good at handling social situations.

I suggest you go to AskMen.com - Men's Online Magazine and start reading the articles about male behavior and self-improvement. Also, being not good at handling social situations is solved by doing that more often.

Before you go out, make a mental note (and I fucking mean it, make a note) of how you would like to conduct yourself, how you would like to act as if you are being yourself. Then go out and do it.

Never, ever, go out and meet people without having a plan of how you will handle yourself in a social situation. As you do this, eventually it will become second nature. It will come naturally. But it takes practice to build your confidence.

[IMFREAKZILLA]

lucky you

[wildstang]

Originally Posted by SUPREME

ike most said, you just need to strike up random conversations. for instance in the laundry isle you see a nice looking girl and you wanna talk to her ask her her advice on what type of detergent would work better to get a certain stain out or something like that

LMFAO @ Wildstang...that would be an AWKWARD ice-breaker. If you catch my drift.

one has to be willing to talk about anything and everything to show they have confidence once thats established it gets easier. that was merely just off the top of my head at that moment....lol reason being is i had saw a young man use this same approach and low and behold he got himself a date with this cute hottie.

[tedbragg]

Get around family men -- husbands who have made it in their careers *and* have happy marriages. Learn from them. Become like them.

Moms teach their sons all wrong when it comes to being confident men. You need some real, older men in your life.

[Gastankerdriver]

You could start by "desexualizing" women. Don't just "approach" the hotties. Approach the overweight woman at the gas station and tell her how much you like her car--even if you don't. Make a granmother laugh. Smile at the kids. Women are "human beings" just like yourself. If you are getting nervous and sick at your stomach, it's because you just view them as a sexual conquest. They will figure that out right away and send you packing...they should if they know what's good for them.

I recommend the immersion program. Without even hitting on a girl, try to spend as much time around women as possible. Go to the coffee shop and hangout. Talk to women at the produce stand. Talk to them online. Talk to them at the gas station. I used to practice by asking them for directions (even if I knew where I was going), then giving them a compliment. The important thing is to talk--talk talk talk talk, women love to talk. The more you talk to women, the more you will understand them, understand their desires, understand their body language. Then you will be ready. There are good books on the subject. I suggest "How to be successful with women." Also, watching chick flicks helps--Golden Girls, Desperate Houswives, Gray's Anatomy, are a few of my favorites. The best way to figure out what women like is by watching what they watch. You have to pay attention to women.