Difference between flirting and cheating

[notsureofpath]

Hi,

This forum usually has great, logical advice that usually clears up my mind about things. So I'm going to bring up my problem, and hopefully maybe someone can slap some sense into me. I have recently met a girl (about 5 months ago) and am very much in love with her (and she also claims to share the same feelings.)

However, now and then she becomes very flirty with other people she meets. The last party I went to with her, she spent most of the night chatting with one of the guys there. Lots of laughter, giggles, etc. There was no touching or kissing of any sort. However, it does concern me a little bit that she would spend the entire night with a single person. He also kept buying her drinks all night. I'm not a controlling type of person, and would never tell her what she can or cannot do. But I feel like something like this is a bit too much. Should I be concerned that this is "emotional cheating" as some people like to call it, or just innocent unintentional conversation? Am I just being a jealous boyfriend, and what actually constitutes cheating versus simple flirting?

Thank you.

[joey9]

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

Basically you need to let your girlfriend know what you want.

If you go with her to a party and she ignores you the entire evening so another man can entertain her and buy her drinks, thereby putting her in his debt, perhaps... and if that does not feel good to you, you need to let her know. Then the ball is in her court.

At that point she can either respect your wishes / needs, or not.

If she doesn't respect you, then you need to ask yourself if you're really in love with her, or in love with being in love. Of course you need to have some patience and understanding as you work this out. People aren't always able to change overnight.

Unfortunately love requires a lot of work, pain, and vulnerability in my limited experience.

You have to be willing to say what you feel, or ask for what you want. Presumably if the woman knows what's good for her, she'll value a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. If she's not ready for that, if she's young, inexperienced, or more comfortable flirting with strangers than enjoying a deep profound sexual relationship, then she'll either outgrow that while she's with you, or she won't.


Basically, flirting with strangers is safe. Commitment, being penetrated by someone emotionally, being vulnerable with someone... those things are scary. Be brave yourself and maybe she'll follow your example.

[sexy69]

First off Flirting is giggling, small compliments, deep eye contact. Cheating is anything that is done behind your back!

My question to you is if her talking most of night to this guy bothered you so much why did you let it happen. Situations like this can be fixed by taking action at that time instead of letting it continue on... I am not saying go there and beat the guy up, but you could have gone there and politley interupted the conversation.

From my experiance most woman don't even know there doing it until someone tells them that there are a flirt.

So before this steam rolls in to some thing even bigger tell her how you feel, and go from there.

And by the way be prepared she might say to you "if it bothered you that much why didn't you stop it then"

Hope it works out.

[helpmespock]

she may have done this to see how much you wanted her for yourself. many people are insecure and need to test their partner. I suspect she was allowing this "good time" to occur right in front of you to see how u would handle it. Remember...be like the Fonz...be cool, but be sure your girl knows who her man is...or who it should be!

[A1food4U]

So, notsure, you asked, here's my two cents....

Unless you have spelled out your feelings about this to her you have no reason to be upset. You can calmly explain you feelings to her without issuing an ultimatum. You are beginning this relationship in the wrong way. Self doubt, repressed feelings and the like will eventually end up choking the relationship to death. My advice is simple, you have no reason to be upset unless she KNOWS your feelings and doesn't care. 100% of a problem un mentioned will go unsolved. Dude, trust is the basis of any good relationship, only you can decide when that line gets crossed but it's not fair to her if she doesn't know one has been drawn....Just sayin....

P.S. welcome, hell of a first post!!!!!

[USMC-Chick]

dude! did you ask her about this guy? do you know him? did you make your presence known? ie, step into the conversation for a few mins and introduce yourself to him? I've seen how we women can be, because guys can be the same way...

maybe it was nothing and she knew him from HS or college, maybe he dated one of her friends years ago, and they were catching up. with that you'f have had eye contact, conversation and drinks...

maybe she did say i'm here with my bf... he's over there (pointing), but you missed it. so they talked openly in maybe public place with friends... not hiding the conversation...

for as much time and energy as people do try to put into relationships... ya'd think we'd learn to supress the negative energy caused my lack of communication and just talk things out.... besides the kisses that come with TRUE converation are hot!

Just talk to her about it...

[Rock36]

What you described isn't cheating or even emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is more when someone shares personal secrets, dreams, aspirations, problems, fears, wants, needs, etc. with someone other than their significant other. This was just flirting. However, I wouldn't take this too lightly.

Jealousy has gotten quite a bad rap in recent years. To the point that many guys like you are disgusted and ashamed that they feel the slightest twinge of jealousy. I'm here to say some jealousy is healthy....not crazy stalker type jealousy where you are following your girlfriend, keeping tabs on her, aggressively confronting any man that looks at her, constantly accusing her of cheating....that is completely out of line. Feeling a little jealous when she is flirting and giving all her attention to another man is natural and understandable.

So, I think you are completely justified in feeling a little jealous when your girlfriend spent all her time with some else at a party. In my mind, if this were a long lost friend, good friend, whatever, I would have expected your girlfriend to at least personally introduce him to you and/or include you in on some of the conversation.

That said, if she didn't introduce you or include you in, you probably should have gone over and cooly introduced yourself and established who you are. That would have been preferrable to sitting and watching on the sidelines. She might have been guaging/testing your response on purpose by talking to that guy. I don't particularly like that type of game playing, but it happens a lot. However, that it is a whole other topic.

At this point, all you can really do is what others have suggested, tell her that it bothered you and find out who he was, but don't whine about it or start accusing her of cheating or anything that you don't know. Just bluntly tell her that you didn't appreciate it, and establish your boundaries.

Final words: flirting is not cheating, but you can't dismiss all flirting as innocent just because it isn't cheating. Flirting doesn't necessarily lead to cheating, but I garauntee most cheating began with some kind of flirting.

[mooshue]

You say the dude was buying her drinks all night right? My girl and her friends do this when they go out wehther im with them or not. Some schmuck who thinks hes getting laid shells out $100's on drinks for them and hangs with them, then at the end of the night, everyone still goes home with whom they came with and so on. You gotta be honest and open. This is the best relationship i've ever been in because of it. She's not doing anything wrong.

[SAINT_X]

Originally Posted by mooshue

You say the dude was buying her drinks all night right? My girl and her friends do this when they go out wehther im with them or not. Some schmuck who thinks hes getting laid shells out $100's on drinks for them and hangs with them, then at the end of the night, everyone still goes home with whom they came with and so on. You gotta be honest and open. This is the best relationship i've ever been in because of it. She's not doing anything wrong.

For God sake NOTSUREOFPATH, whatever you do, consider that Mooshue is a certified Las Vegas Pimp - see his tag line - and as such should be considered an authority on all relationship issues!

[mooshue]

Originally Posted by SAINT_X

For God sake NOTSUREOFPATH, whatever you do, consider that Mooshue is a certified Las Vegas Pimp - see his tag line - and as such should be considered an authority on all relationship issues!

lol thanks saint x
I forgot i put that on there.